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Published: December 11, 2015

Brokenness and Grief

I feel broken.

I don’t know how else to describe it.

It’s like part of me broke the day my mom died, and I haven’t figured out how to fix it yet.

I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m scared.

Five months after my mom died, I still feel so much anguish. | Belle Brita

For the last four days, I haven’t managed to wake up until 9am or later. I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed before 10:30am. And usually I only manage that due to a full bladder or an empty stomach.

I feel overwhelmed by everything.

I’ve lost my focus, my drive, my ambition.

All I want to do is read and watch TV. I barely have the energy for more than that, and I know it’s psychological, not physical. I just had my Remicade infusion last week. I normally feel amazing right after my infusion. I was fine over the weekend. Dan and I even hosted a small party on Sunday. Three of my good friends came over. We played board games, drank sangria, and made pizza. It was wonderful.

And then Monday happened.

I’ve had a whole week of Mondays.

A whole week of feeling unmotivated to do anything. I barely managed to slap together a blog post yesterday, a blog post that’s more pictures than text. At least I cleaned the entire master bathroom. It practically sparkles. It only took me three days to get that much done.

I know a lot of people have told me, many times, that I can call them whenever I need them.

I believe you. All of you. I really do.

But it’s hard for me to cry with other people. It’s even harder for me to cry over the phone. I’d rather just curl up in my too-big, pink, and fuzzy robe and cry by myself.

Which is what I’m doing right now while I write this.

This is what grief looks like the week before my late mother’s birthday, and my parents’ wedding anniversary, which will also mark five months since my mom died.

Blog of Brita Long

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10 CommentsFiled Under: GriefTagged With: cancer, personal growth

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Christian feminist libertarian, making the world a better place one day at a time. Fueled by hot tea and mimosas. Read More…

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