Today marks 3 months since my mom died.
I have no idea what stage of grief I’m in. I actually think the 5 stages (7 stages?) of grief are basically bullshit.
I still spend a lot of time in denial. Fully feeling the reality of my loss overwhelms me. I can only do it sometimes. Those are the days I curl up with soy ice cream or the nights I get drunk on sparkling wine, always while sobbing heavily.
Those days used to come more often.
I don’t think I spend less time crying because I’m anywhere near acceptance.
I think I’m just better at compartmentalizing my life.
I’m better at finding distractions. I mean, y’all know me. Give me some Disney Channel, and I can be happy as long as I can keep watching Liv & Maddie or Girl Meets World.
I haven’t felt much anger about my mother’s death. I briefly felt angry at science when my parents told me my mom’s tumor had come back, and there was nothing else the doctors could do. Part of me still can’t grasp why we haven’t progressed further in our cancer treatments. The logical part of me knows it’s an exciting time for science. We’ve actually had some amazing medical breakthroughs. But emotions are not rational. I don’t feel happy or satisfied or understanding about science’s failure to save my mom.
I haven’t felt any anger towards God, though. I feel like that’s a common emotion. I think my mom’s unwavering faith, even as she was dying, has helped my own relationship with God. If my mom wasn’t angry at God, who am I do be angry with Her?
When my mom entered hospice care, I spent a lot of time praying. And by praying, I mean begging. I told God I would do anything, if She would just save my mom.
I had six incredibly stressful weeks with my mom, time I will always cherish. I would give anything to have one more day with her… But I have at least accepted that won’t happen. For now I take comfort in the frequent dreams I have of my mom, still living, still with me on Earth.
If stages of grief were an actual thing, and not just a list of examples of feelings common while grieving, I would identify with depression.
I spend a lot of time being sad. Just because I’m smiling, or writing, or socializing, doesn’t mean I’m not also sad. I’ve become really good at not crying each time someone asks me how I’m doing (and means it).
I feel like I’ve lost my focus. Even simple tasks are so much harder for me to accomplish.
My dad and I have both talked about how there’s a limit to how much we can both do in a day. I can only stay focused on my writing, my blogging, my entrepreneurship for so many hours. But on the bright side, I spend more time cooking, cleaning, and running household errands.
Grief has made me sluggish. I struggle to concentrate. I even struggle to think clearly. I find my mind wandering all the time, thinking about my mom. I just miss her so much. It’s hard sometimes to think of anything else.
Is it possible to ever truly accept your mother’s death? I hope that one day I can at least accept the reality that she’s gone, without breaking down into hysterical sobs each time.
But at the same time, I don’t ever want to think of my mom without missing her. I want to always miss her. I want to stop relying on denial, but I don’t want to be okay with my mom being gone.
Even writing this, it still doesn’t feel real. My mom was larger than life. How can someone as vibrant as my mom die?
I just miss her, so much.
Grief just hurts, so much.