I’m writing this late at night, or early in the morning, depending on your perspective. A year ago today, I couldn’t sleep either. It’s like I knew what would happen. The phone rang, the sound muffled from my dad’s room across the hall. I could hear him answer it, but not hear his words. Still, I knew. Daddy came to my room a few minutes later and gave me the news. My mother’s soul had… [Read More]
Motherless on Mother’s Day
I wasn’t prepared for this new wave of pain. I knew December would be a low point in my first year of grief. My mom’s birthday and my parents’ wedding anniversary is December 13th. I knew celebrating those occasions without her, in addition to the holidays, would be difficult. I never expected Mother’s Day without my mother to hurt this much. After writing that out and rereading my words, it feels almost silly to admit… [Read More]
What I Wish I Could Tell My Mother
I feel like I understand now why Catholics don’t just pray to God, but also to saints. It’s not that saints themselves can answer prayers, but they can pray for us too. Plus, as much I like chatting with God, sometimes I want to talk to someone else. Like my mom. Today marks nine months since my mom died. Grief still sucks. A lot. I don’t know how heaven works. I don’t know how sainthood… [Read More]
Brokenness and Grief
I feel broken. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like part of me broke the day my mom died, and I haven’t figured out how to fix it yet. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m scared. For the last four days, I haven’t managed to wake up until 9am or later. I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed before 10:30am. And usually I only manage that due to a full… [Read More]
Grief is Weird
Today marks 3 months since my mom died. I have no idea what stage of grief I’m in. I actually think the 5 stages (7 stages?) of grief are basically bullshit. Denial I still spend a lot of time in denial. Fully feeling the reality of my loss overwhelms me. I can only do it sometimes. Those are the days I curl up with soy ice cream or the nights I get drunk on sparkling… [Read More]
Thankful Thursday: Dealing with My Mother’s Death
My mom died just over six weeks ago. Some days are better than others. I recently attended my friend Leah’s wedding. My best friend/college roommate Rachel spent the weekend with Dan and me. My Kappa Big Dani officiated the wedding. Our reunion was wonderful! Even though we did talk about my mom, it was in a good way. That was a good weekend. But lately I’ve had even more trouble sleeping. My choices most nights… [Read More]