Today marks 3 months since my mom died.
I have no idea what stage of grief I’m in. I actually think the 5 stages (7 stages?) of grief are basically bullshit.
Denial
I still spend a lot of time in denial. Fully feeling the reality of my loss overwhelms me. I can only do it sometimes. Those are the days I curl up with soy ice cream or the nights I get drunk on sparkling wine, always while sobbing heavily.
Those days used to come more often.
I don’t think I spend less time crying because I’m anywhere near acceptance.
I think I’m just better at compartmentalizing my life.
I’m better at finding distractions. I mean, y’all know me. Give me some Disney Channel, and I can be happy as long as I can keep watching Liv & Maddie or Girl Meets World.
Anger
I haven’t felt much anger about my mother’s death. I briefly felt angry at science when my parents told me my mom’s tumor had come back, and there was nothing else the doctors could do. Part of me still can’t grasp why we haven’t progressed further in our cancer treatments. The logical part of me knows it’s an exciting time for science. We’ve actually had some amazing medical breakthroughs. But emotions are not rational. I don’t feel happy or satisfied or understanding about science’s failure to save my mom.
I haven’t felt any anger towards God, though. I feel like that’s a common emotion. I think my mom’s unwavering faith, even as she was dying, has helped my own relationship with God. If my mom wasn’t angry at God, who am I do be angry with Her?
Bargaining
When my mom entered hospice care, I spent a lot of time praying. And by praying, I mean begging. I told God I would do anything, if She would just save my mom.
I had six incredibly stressful weeks with my mom, time I will always cherish. I would give anything to have one more day with her… But I have at least accepted that won’t happen. For now I take comfort in the frequent dreams I have of my mom, still living, still with me on Earth.
Depression
If stages of grief were an actual thing, and not just a list of examples of feelings common while grieving, I would identify with depression.
I spend a lot of time being sad. Just because I’m smiling, or writing, or socializing, doesn’t mean I’m not also sad. I’ve become really good at not crying each time someone asks me how I’m doing (and means it).
I feel like I’ve lost my focus. Even simple tasks are so much harder for me to accomplish.
My dad and I have both talked about how there’s a limit to how much we can both do in a day. I can only stay focused on my writing, my blogging, my entrepreneurship for so many hours. But on the bright side, I spend more time cooking, cleaning, and running household errands.
Grief has made me sluggish. I struggle to concentrate. I even struggle to think clearly. I find my mind wandering all the time, thinking about my mom. I just miss her so much. It’s hard sometimes to think of anything else.
Acceptance
Is it possible to ever truly accept your mother’s death? I hope that one day I can at least accept the reality that she’s gone, without breaking down into hysterical sobs each time.
But at the same time, I don’t ever want to think of my mom without missing her. I want to always miss her. I want to stop relying on denial, but I don’t want to be okay with my mom being gone.
Even writing this, it still doesn’t feel real. My mom was larger than life. How can someone as vibrant as my mom die?
I just miss her, so much.
Grief just hurts, so much.
Oh Brita! You are still often in my prayers. I can’t imagine losing my mother. And since I haven’t lost my mother, I can’t truly relate. But I can offer my prayers even when I don’t know what to say to you. I’m sorry. I think you will eventually accept that she is gone but I do not think for a second that you will stop missing her. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive at all. I’m sorry I don’t have more helpful things to say. Again, I’m still praying for you. You’re on my running prayer list and I don’t plan to ever take you off because this never goes away.
I’m so sorry 🙁 There truly are no words.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone in your life is never easy, I can’t imagine a parent. I’ve lost many people in my life, some who were basically parents to me. Two that stand out the most would be my Aunt, who passed away from cancer and my Uncle, who committed suicide. My Aunt’s death was long and very drawn out. It was painful to see her in that kind of pain and going through so many treatments. However, I got to spend time with her and prepare myself. My Uncles death was sudden and extremely unexpected. I grieved so much differently for them, BUT I think everyone deals with loss in different ways. IT’s been years since I’ve lost both of them, and it still hurts. I don’t think that pain ever goes away, BUT it gets different. I try to hold on to the memories and remember the good times I had with both of them. IT doesn’t help some days, but I try!
I can honestly say the stages of grief are not really stages. It’s more like a grand chaotic thing. Some people skip several, some stay in one for a long time, others seem to bounce back and forth between all of them every day. I did get very angry at God when my mother died of cancer suddenly and painfully. She was fine and a long painful year later she was gone. I spent a year in a fog after her death. It truly felt like one. I couldn’t remember anything about anything, like I just wasn’t able to pay attention no matter what I did. I was always sick, and sad regularly. After her death anniversary (the first one) something happened, and the fog lifted. I stopped feeling terrible all the time. I know for some it doesn’t work like that, but for me it did. I still feel her with me now and then, and I talk to her while I’m driving on my long work commute every so often. But as for ever getting over it? I don’t think I will, I think I just learn to live with the scars of it. It’s like a big cut. You heal, but you always have a scar. That’s what it is for me. Sometimes I’m caught off guard, like “How did that even happen, is it real?” And other days, I’m just ok with all of it. I think the acceptance part of grief will take the rest of my life, because I feel her with me sometimes, and if that’s the case, she’s not really gone, so how could I ever come to terms with her being “gone”? For now though, I have way more good days than bad. Often I have no bad days for a few months in a row now. It’s been 18 months, and my broken heart is healing. I know now that death is a tragic part of love. Eventually we all must lose someone we love. It’s given me compassion for those experiencing loss, and it’s given me motivation to be the type of person that is loved when she’s gone. That’s all I can really focus on now. But no, I don’t think you ever really get over losing her. We never do if we loved them at all.
*hugs* I cannot ever offer the right words, I don’t think anyone does, but I am thinking of you and praying for you.
When my dad died, I jumped back and forth from one “stage” to another so many times that really, there shouldn’t be an advertised order. Everyone is different, but I can honestly say I never stopped missing him. Not once have I thought, “Today I don’t miss Dad.” No, it’s been more of a sad smile that says, “He would’ve liked that.” Or our song coming on the radio and thinking, “I wish we could sing this together in his beat up pickup truck with the windows down just one more time.” It gets easier, but you never want it to get easier because making the conscious decision to let go feels like betrayal of the person who loved you so unconditionally. It’s so gradual that you won’t notice it until one day, it’ll be like you notice the sun shining after a long gray spell. I’m so sorry for your loss, Brita. You’re in my thoughts, and I know your mom is happily hanging out with God.