Ranking the 2016 Presidential Candidates by Sexiness

In the name of true gender equality, I propose we judge all 2016 presidential candidates in the same way we judge all female politicians:

By their appearance.

I present to you the ultimate guide of 2016 presidential candidates, according to their sex appeal.

Disclaimer: This is a completely subjective list, compiled mostly by me with occasional commentary by my husband. I tried to judge everyone by their age, aka not taking off points for wrinkles or balding. I also tried to leave out my personal feelings about the 2016 presidential candidates.

Marco Rubio

That smile. That hair. Who else giggled a little girlishly when he plugged his book during one of the debates? If he ran solely on charm, Marco would win the presidential election–and the hearts of women everywhere.

Martin O’Malley

Apparently Martin hides some serious abs underneath those suits of his. Drool-worthy abs. Just ignore the receding hairline, focus on his charming smile, and ask him to take off his shirt.

Ben Carson

Dr. Ben Carson is a very attractive middle-aged man… until he opens his mouth. But who cares what a good-looking man has to say? Just smile those pearly whites at me.

Carly Fiorina

The ladies running for president have an attractive leg up on the competition–they’re always judged by their appearance. Plus Carly naturally has great bone structure. Also, mad props to Carly for still running for Senate while going through breast cancer treatments. Since I need to tie this genuine awesomeness into her physical appearance, Carly totally rocked the post-chemo short hair.

Rand Paul

Rand has what both Dan and I describe as “boyish charm.” His curly hair just begs to be tousled. Plus I really feel like Rand needs someone to reassure him that even though Rand is a failure of a libertarian, his dad Ron still loves him.

Ted Cruz

With good skin and a friendly smile, Ted just looks like a president. Plus the last name Cruz is pretty sexy.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary isn’t quite as good-looking as Carly, but she still has piercing blue eyes. Aside from a few hair-don’ts (seriously, Hillary, the slicked-back look is not for you), she also styles her hair well.

Jeb Bush

In portraits, Jeb looks a little like your good-looking friend who smiles awkwardly in posed photos. Also he’s one of those people who looks better wearing glasses than going without them.

George Pataki

George has movie-star white teeth and a nice smile, but he’s otherwise forgettable in the looks department. It’s okay, George. Not everyone can be Marco Rubio.

Mike Huckabee

I really struggled to place Mike on this list. I did my best to rank everyone with their attractiveness for their age. Aging has not been the kindest to Mike, but his younger pictures reveal a handsome young man. He’s just kind of average.

John Kasich

John looks like he spends a little too much time in the sun. Or maybe he and his Ohio buddy John Boehner go to the tanning beds together. It’s not like Ohio is known for its sunshine.

Bernie Sanders

According to Dan, Bernie is, “adorable in that crazy-old-grandpa sort of way.”

Jim Gilmore

Jim looks like a Muppet. Muppets are cute. Humans who look like Muppets are less cute.

Rick Santorum

I know Rick looks like he should be higher on the list, but he gives off a distinctly unsexy creepy vibe.

Chris Christie

The kindest thing to say is that Chris’s looks are unfortunate.

Lindsey Graham

I hate putting Lindsey this far down the list, since he’s a good ol’ Carolina boy, but he just isn’t good-looking enough to be president. It’s not so much that he has bad hair or a bad smile. Those are both fine. Everything just sorta runs together oddly. He’s a really nice guy, though, based on meeting him for approximately 3 minutes when I was 11.

Donald Trump

Who in their right mind makes a bad combover their signature look? I wish I could claim Donald’s ugly personality landed him the last spot on the list, but it’s truly the combover.

Psst! If this post makes you laugh, you should totally pin the image below.

In all seriousness, sexism in politics is still a thing. For further reading:

9 Sexist Ways Female Politicians Are Depicted In The Press — And By Their Colleagues

Media Coverage of Women Candidates

Sexist Media, Sexist Attacks Hurt Women in Politics