TW: gendered slurs
I know a feminist dictionary might seem like a weird choice for my first Feminism 101 post. But everyone has to start somewhere, and I really wanted my readers to understand the difference between two easily confused words.
Misogyny and sexism are not exactly the same thing.
Misogyny is intentional. It is deliberate and often malicious.
Sexism, however, is often unintentional. Benevolent sexism, in fact, is often mistakenly considered to be a good thing.
This difference is important to understand when discussing feminism. I think that some people feel personally attacked, like their motives are being questioned, when feminists point out sexism. Trust me, unless I’m accusing you of misogyny, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you have good intentions, even when you’re kind of being really sexist and ignorant.
Today’s post is inspired by Marielle at This Flooded Sky and Kiersten at She is Fierce, for their second installment of The F-Word today. They asked how I have experienced sexism in my everyday life.
So how does everyday sexism affect me?
In my own life, everyday sexism primarily falls under one of two categories. Language and expected gender roles.
Sexist Language
I don’t really give a flying fuck how egalitarian you think you are, but if you are using gendered insults, like slut or cunt, you are a sexist asshole. Even if you are using those insults against men. I seriously don’t understand how, in 2014, a person could still be so ignorant as to think that gendered slurs don’t ever hurt women or perpetuate the sexist attitudes against women.
I have to deal with this shit all the time, and it frustrates me to no end. Men who otherwise seem to respect women and treat women as equals and accept me as a feminist remain completely oblivious to why gendered slurs are a problem.
When these words are used against women, the intention is to shut them up. To reduce them to a body part. To hold their sexuality against them. To perpetuate a double standard. When these words are used against men, the intention is to insult their manhood. The implication is that they are women, thus they are lesser.
By the time I graduated high school, I had already lost count of the number of times I had been called a slut. It was fairly common knowledge that I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet, but I had committed the unforgivable sin of having breasts, and thus I had to be punished.
American society has more or less agreed that racial slurs are wrong. And yet even otherwise progressive men continue to use gendered slurs.
Racial slurs would not be tolerated or defended, but the use of sexist language was acceptable. Which, by my calculations, means that if you’re lambasting a black male public figure, calling him a stupid n—-r is out of bounds, but calling him a stupid cunt is totally cool.
I’d like to point out it’s a trade-off which insulates other black men against collateral debasement, but just debases black women in a different way, along with their sisters of all colors. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Ahem…
What I am is more sensitive to how misogynist language affects women, because I am one. People of color are more sensitive to racist language (particularly racist dog whistles, for example) than I am; that doesn’t mean they’re too sensitive.
Read the entire post “On Bitch and Other Misogynist Language” at Shakesville. Seriously. It explains the problem with gendered slurs so much more articulately than I can.
I have to deal with this kind of language online and in person on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. It is frustratingly the most common and frequent form of everyday sexism that I experience.
Sexist Expectations
The other type of everyday sexism I often experience is the sexist expectations other people have of me because I’m a woman. This has only gotten worse since getting engaged and then getting married. It’s like all the progress I made with my circle of friends, family, and acquaintances in seeing me as an independent, intelligent, feminist woman halfway disappeared when I became romantically involved with Dan.
It is sexist when you…
- Assume Dan had nothing to do with our wedding or wedding receptions (and blame me alone for any decision you didn’t like). My parents, my in-laws, my husband, and I all worked together to plan our wedding in San Antonio, reception in Greenwood, and two receptions in Findlay.
- Call me Mrs. Fleck, or worse, address a letter to Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Fleck. My name is Brita Long. My name did not change on the happiest day of my life. As I mentioned above, you can have the best of intentions when calling me Mrs. Fleck–or just straight up be rude and dismissive to my oft-repeated wishes–but it is still sexist to assume I changed my name when I got married.
- Ask me when Dan and I are having kids. Both our timeline and our fertility are no one’s damn business except ours. I would like to take this time to remind everyone that I have Crohn’s Disease, an incurable, lifelong illness that can affect childbearing. So maybe you should think about the fact that whenever Dan and I decide we want kids, I have to clear that with my gastroenterologist first. Remember that in a few years if we’re still childless–think twice before potentially rubbing salt in the wound of being too sick to bear children.
- Treat my husband like he is my child. Dan is an adult. Mary Kay is his mother, not me. He doesn’t need my permission to leave the house. As a courtesy, we keep each other informed of our day-to-day plans, and we check in with each other before committing to anything big. But Dan confirming that we don’t already have plans on a certain date before agreeing to go out with his friends is not me “letting him” or “allowing him” or “giving him permission” to go out.
I won’t apologize for using strong language in this post. When I face these forms of sexism in person, I smile sweetly while politely explaining the problem. I usually want to swear in response to gendered slurs and sexist remarks, but I hold my tongue. This is my blog, however, my little space on the Internet to be 100% honest about how incredibly offensive and inappropriate way too many people in my life have been and continue to be.
How do you experience sexism? How do you respond to it? Let me know in the comments.
This is very well written as usual. I have found the questions people have been asking me since getting engaged extremely rude and very sexist. It’s frustrating that these are social norms. I am looking forward to reading the links you shared and following this series.
Thank you, Angela! I appreciate your continued support. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that you’re also getting sexist questions. I just don’t understand why people think it’s acceptable to ask those!
I love this post, Brita! I am so confused by the fact that people don’t understand why words and phrases like “man up” and “don’t be a bitch” are offensive. They came from SOMEWHERE – there’s a meaning behind them, and whether or not your intention is to say that women are weak and men are strong, that is what you are saying when you tell a man who is upset about something to man up, or anything else of the sort.
Right?! It’s literally right there, in the language. Words actually mean something. I am far from perfect in my language, but I work very hard to be intentional with what I say and write. I wish more people would think twice about the words they use.
I totally agree with all the points you made about marriage! I hate the implication that men are weak-willed because they have the audacity to keep their wives updated on their schedules and let them know their plans.
Even with my past roommates, we kept each other updated on changes to our schedules, and we checked in with each other before accepting invitations on the others behalf. My husband is just like a roommate, except 1000x better.
My father made a point of calling me Dr (to the point of being obnoxious) after I got my degree. I got married a year later. The first time I saw him after that he called me Mrs and I lost my mind. I didn’t know I felt strongly about that until it happened. I hate the fact that women are labelled by whether or not they have a man.
That would upset me too. You worked hard for your degree! That title is a big deal! Getting your advanced degree is primarily your own achievement, not a shared one like marriage.
Calling a woman a slut is the laziest insult, and women and men who claim to be ‘pro-women’ who use it blow my mind. The fact that it’s exclusively used to describe women should be enough to make no woman want to use it ever, yet it constantly seems to be thrown around even by people who’d call themselves feminists. Also, your last point about people treating your husband like your kid–so much hate for that nonsense. It’s not cute.
Yeah, it’s basically an insult to shut women up. Slut doesn’t have a real meaning behind it, so if you’re called one, you can’t even argue against it.
Love this. I agree with Katie that this is the laziest insult – I see it in all the comments on feminist videos/articles. Some men don’t agree, but can’t come up with valid arguments, so they rely on insults like slut, ugly, cunt, bitch etc. to try to silence women. And ugh, I hated how, back in middle/high school, any girl who had breasts and/or wore “too much” makeup/clothes that fit was a slut. This stuff starts so early. And I totally agree with you on the name thing. I’m never going to change my name, and it sucks that I know I probably have to expect that people in my family won’t address me properly.
I’m just lucky that my parents and in-laws are cool with my name. I’m still working on the extended family and acquaintances.
I am always amazed that people feel it’s ok to ask newly weds when they are having children, It’s such a complex and personal decision and really nobody else’s business. To say nothing of the trigger for those experiencing fertility problems.
I did change my second name to my husbands when we got married but I did think long and hard about it. In the end I decided it was what I wanted and for me it makes me feel like we are a unit. I have never felt like I was giving any part of myself up though, if I had I wouldn’t have done it.
I love what you say about your partner being a grown up, I am married to a grown up too and patronising comments about his supposed inability to clean the house or cook are not necessary, nor does he need to “ask the misses” to make plans. He is respectful of me and I am respectful of him.
And finally can we all please stop saying “like a girl” to mean something weak. There is a great campaign going round the internet and I think it’s fab.
I’m loving your series btw – can you tell!
It’s awkward, right? If you think about it, basically people are asking you how often and what kind of sex you’re having. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
Most American women change their names when they get married, for a variety of reasons. As long as a woman isn’t pressured into it (which happens WAY too often–just read the comments section of basically any article on the topic), then I’m totally fine with it. It’s just really hurtful how many people 1) assume I’m judging them despite ample evidence to the contrary and 2) ALSO think it’s okay to disregard my name.
I’ve seen the “Like a girl” campaign! It’s great!
I’m glad you love my series. I know the concepts are very basic to those of us already in feminism, but I know my audience includes those who know very little about feminism.
I posted this to my facebook page. I loved everything you had to say!
Thank you! I definitely noticed an increase in page views from Facebook. 🙂
Since the statement “the wound of being too sick to bear children” is in a paragraph about my fertility, our timeline (referring to my husband and me), and my struggles with Crohn’s Disease, it’s already apparent I’m talking about my own feelings.
I think you’d like this post written by Kiersten, who co-hosts the F-Word link-up I mentioned. http://www.sheisfierce.org/2014/10/dont-want-kids.html
It’s funny in the most infuriating way possible that the sexism you experience as a CF woman just proves, again, that women can’t win. We both know that if you accidentally got pregnant, kept it, but had to go on gov’t assistance that you’d be lambasted just as much. Or if you intentionally got pregnant, but immediately went back to work after your recovery, that everyone would question the “point” of having a baby if you weren’t going to stay home.
We’re already damned, so we might as well do whatever the hell we want.
I just want to say that I love how you speak up about these issues that people seem to not regard as issues and therefore not speak about them. I came across your blog via HuffPo on the satirical piece about your husband not taking your name, and I can’t stop reading your blog now. I’m really glad I found it. I commend you for speaking up about these issues and raising awareness about them in a brutally honest way. Rock on!
Thank you so much! I thrive on encouraging comments like yours. They make the trolls more bearable.
Everyday sexism is the worst. The kind of sexism that’s so widespread and normal that makes you feel alone, like no one understands you or even notices it. It feels like you’re swimming against the current the whole time. I used to argue and get mad all the time. I have been called a feminazi.
But these things never come up in my life anymore. My partner is a feminist himself, his mom is badass, we don’t have cable (so no commercials), and our friends are all like us. I have not felt like this is years. If it happens I feel like this one person is naive and everyone agrees with me. If possible, I highly recommend cleansing your social circle 😀 But it’s not possible for everyone.
When my best friend got married our place card said: “Dr. and Mr. My Name.” It’s so nice when people around you have the same values.
“When these words are used against women, the intention is to shut them up. To reduce them to a body part. To hold their sexuality against them. To perpetuate a double standard. When these words are used against men, the intention is to insult their manhood. The implication is that they are women, thus they are lesser.”
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! This post gives me life. I love your unapologetic tone and the way you write in this piece. This stuff needs to be said. Love your work Brita, thank you for writing this x
Elese | elesedowden.com