Yesterday marked six months since Dan and I said “I do” back in San Antonio, with our parents and siblings watching us. It feels like we’ve been married forever, but our wedding day also feels like yesterday. I know that in the grand scheme of things, six months of marriage isn’t that long, but every successful marriage has to start somewhere!
I’ve learned much about love and marriage from our friends and family, but here are six lessons I’ve learned from my own marriage.
1. Communication is key.
I realize communication is on every single list about successful relationships, but there’s a reason why! The trick is learning HOW to communicate, which will be different for every couple.
Dan told me early in our relationship that he doesn’t pick up on clues or subtlety, so I quickly learned to be very clear whenever I talk to him. I state very specifically if I need him to do something and why. Or I tell him how I feel and why I feel that way. In return, he speaks honestly with me.
Our communication definitely isn’t perfect–Dan has a tendency not to tell me we have to leave for an out-of-town wedding at 9am instead of 1pm, or asks me at 11:20am if he can bring home friends for lunch at 11:30am–but we’re working on it. The most important thing is that we actively work on our communication, and whenever miscommunication still happens, we address the issue immediately.
2. Find a regular activity to do together.
Dan and I share several interests and hobbies. Ever since I first moved back to Ohio in 2012, we have watched all the Star Trek series together. We started with The Next Generation, moved onto Deep Space Nine, and are currently working on Voyager.
And because we’re total nerds, we don’t just watch it, but discuss it passionately. Like we might have rewound a recent episode just to confirm that the dates mentioned in the episode were plausible. And we might have dressed up as Commander Riker and Counselor Troi for Halloween and then again for Comic Con.
3. Support each other’s dreams and aspirations.
Dan is SO supportive of my blog and my writing. And I support his enthusiasm for cars (like that time we spent my birthday at Mid-Ohio).
4. Being married doesn’t mean growing up.
Dan and I are basically two little kids who work full-time jobs and happen to be married. We still sleep with our stuffed animals. (Miracle recently started snuggling with us nightly, so now we have Miracle, Gabby, Bear, and Moose. Guess which animals Dan brought into the relationship). We also love candy. Like, a lot. And we joke about toots, because nothing is quite as giggle-worthy as farting.
5. Prioritize each other.
We haven’t organized our books yet. I can’t remember the last time we dusted. I don’t spend as much time reading and writing as I’d like. But Dan and I make time for each other every day. He comes home for lunch most days. We often cook dinner together and then eat while watching Star Trek. Even on nights when Dan is traveling, we skype before bed. While we certainly have our separate activities, and we still make time for our friends and family, finding quality time together is our number-one priority.
6. Always say “I love you”!
Before Dan leaves for work each morning, he kisses me good-bye and tells me he loves me. Before we go to sleep each night, we always exchange an “I love you.” I will never grow tired of telling him that or hearing him say it!
These little lessons work for us, but what about you? I’d love to hear advice from other happily-married couples, especially those at one, five, ten, or more years!
P.S. These are just a few lessons I’ve learned in my own marriage, but my parents taught me many more! For their 30th wedding anniversary, I put together a list of 30 lessons they taught me about marriage.
I definitely agree with #2 and #5. I need a lot of alone time to function, but we pick TV shows to watch together and recommend/discuss books we like. Alas, he doesn’t have my reading powers, so his book list is a mile long while mine only consists of Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality. I also make him cook dinner with me 🙂
Ha, Dan also lacks my reading powers. I go through at least two books a month (two a week whenever possible). He primarily reads when he travels.
This is a great list. I’d say I learned all those in my first year of marriage too, especially how to communicate with my husband. You have to learn each others cues and feed off of that. Time together is so valuable. Be flexible with that. We’ve been married 12 short years and have two beautiful girls. Instead of going out, we now stay in playing MMO’s like World of Warcraft and catching some TV together. The biggest thing I’d recommend is to remember your dreams, but don’t keep them set in stone. Don’t be so goal oriented that you forget to work together even if that means setting your dreams aside to support his. Continually ask yourself if it will truly matter in 5, 10, 15 years. If the answer is no, then let it go and be there for each other.
Stopping by from the Let’s Be Friends Blog Hop. ~Crystal
I already gave up my dream of living in France the rest of my life to marry him. Our compromise is our trip to France next summer! Luckily my career goals as a writer can largely be done from home, which means we have the flexibility to move as necessary for his career.
My cousin actually posted this the other day, which I think aptly describes how I feel. (Alas, I can’t find a source to attribute it).
“Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.”
Great list! I’ve only been married for three months now, but I think I’ve learned a thing or two about communicating with and being a support for my husband. On one hand, getting married to him didn’t really change anything about our relationship – we’re the same as we were before, which is to say, wildly immature and silly – but at the same time, we are both a little more deliberate about some things. We’re careful to give each other space to be creative and artistic, but we still find little ways to include each other, even in our separate creative endeavors . He has me help with pressing buttons and pedals and things while he is recording, and I have him do a weekly photography collab on my blog!
I love when other couples are wildly immature and silly! It makes us feel less alone!
We’re still working on the whole living together thing, which happened just four weeks before the wedding. Navigating life with another person in close counters is why we have to work so much on our communication.
I agree with all of these! The always saying I love you is very important. Especially when you’re mad! Great list!
I don’t know if you’ve heard of the 5 Love Languages, but I’m Words of Affirmation. So it’s doubly necessary that Dan tells me often he loves me. 🙂
Awesome post. We’ve been married for 18 years. We’ve had challenges and trials that I could have never imagined, but I love my husband more now than I did when we got married. Communication is so important and so is the making time for each other. My husband is a chiropractor and so he sees patients all day. I don’t call him at work unless it’s a true emergency, so he knows that if I do, it’s important. But, we text. He answers when he’s back in his office and it’s fun to just text chat or flirt. He always calls me on his way home. He’s not in the office on Wednesdays, so we love to go to breakfast and just be together. Daytime dates are awesome. Friendship in marriage is important.
18 years!!!! That’s awesome!
Yeah, Dan and I don’t talk on the phone while at work, but we IM occasionally. I’ve called him twice during the work day in our entire relationship, and both were the two biggest crises we’ve had to face so far. Establishing boundaries like that is important. He knows I respect his job, and I know he’ll always be there for me in an emergency.
I’m so glad you are growing in your marriage! I enjoyed every point you speak of here. You and Dan appear to have a ton of fun being married and enjoying each other!!
Thank you! I loved your recent post on marriage too, about remembering that your husband isn’t just a man, but your husband. Expectations about gender roles can really mess with our heads!
You got me thinking back to when we’d been married 6 months–we were finally going on our honeymoon and Angel was still working 12 hour nights shifts, man, we both hated that work schedule! And having shared activities that you both love is awesome! We definitely have our “shows” that we have to watch together–mostly detective shows, we’re not sci-fi fans. 🙂
I’m very lucky that my long work weeks, when I was working two jobs, ended right before our engagement. That was definitely a challenging time period for us–and that was still with normal-ish hours. I can’t imagine working or having Dan work night shifts!
Um… I’m not sure I can be friends with someone who doesn’t love sci-fi… 😉
We’ve been married 4 months and we already kiss and say I love you when we leave in the morning and when we come home. I love this ritual!
I know! It’s the best!
These are great! I’m not married yet, but my boyfriend and I have learned a lot of these lessons already. We are working on communication, too. It’s not easy, but we have gotten a lot better. Thanks for joining us for Hump Day Happenings!
I’m pretty sure communication is a life-long learning process.
Ok, so you need to share more pictures from your wedding. You 2 are too cute for words. I love all these lessons!
Aw, thank you!
I will, eventually, maybe. I haven’t even put the photos from our first wedding reception on Facebook yet… The reception that was on April 5th. Downloading and uploading everything just takes so much time!
That’s a great post and I love your point about prioritising each other, it’s so easy to let life get in the way. Six months but you seem to have it all figured out, definitely a recipe for a long and happy marriage 🙂
Thank you! A long and happy marriage is definitely the goal. 🙂
so great! I have been married for a year and just a little more.
communication is key! my husband did the exact same thing on one of my days off – he called and said he was bringing a friend over for lunch. I was still in my little nightgown, had clean laundry all over and hadn’t done dishes yet. he learned very early that this is our space and he needs to be mindful of what I might want or need.
Yeah, we’re definitely working on the “OUR space” and the “our TIME” parts.
I so love this!!! 🙂 I have been married for a year and a half (crazy) and all of these are so so true! I love #1 & #4 🙂
Happy year and a half! And I’m glad we’re not the only fake grown-ups running around.
I still sleep with my bunny sometimes! haha. No shame!
THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR!
I just love this! We’re five months in and I completely agree about all of it, especially #5. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!
Oh and we’re 5-year olds, too. We also have stuffed animals! 🙂
Yay for stuffed animals and prioritizing each other!
This is so great! I completely agree with every single one of these. I love that you included to support each other’s dreams!
Dan’s support is absolutely vital to me. A writer’s life is never easy, so I need a husband who understands that sometimes I have to spend an entire Sunday writing (and doing laundry) instead of being social. Luckily Dan is that kind of husband!
Funny story about the IBA. I applied within just a few weeks of starting my blog and was tentatively accepted, woot! Except I’ve been so ridiculously busy (haven’t had a free Saturday since August 16th and won’t again until November 1) that I’m only 2/3 of the way through my blogging tips post that I need to submit as the next step of the application process. My own blog + my paid writing gigs take priority, alas.
In regards to #sitsblogging… I’ve seen that around, but I haven’t joined. Did someone share my post there?
I may have mixed this post up with another one I read at the same time…. 😉 However you no longer have to do a guest post to be accepted! New rules. Just visit the link and apply 🙂
It’s great that you are learning the importance of these things so early in your marriage. I think what I also love about my husband is that we can share constructive criticism with one another and we’ve proven to be right when we give it. It’s so nice to have someone around who will tell me the truth about things or who will see some things I don’t necessarily see at first. 🙂 Thanks for sharing what you’ve learned with us at the Creative Style Linkup!
Yes, honesty is key, even if that honesty includes gentle constructive criticism. Beau helps me with my blog, for example, by proofreading some of my work.
So it turns out I never added this blog to my reader—whoops! Love this list, though. Five years into my marriage and I can safely say that those are all key points. Especially giggling at toots 🙂
I imagine giggling at toots becomes even more important once you have kids. 😉
Brita, this is so cute 🙂
My husband and I are also nerds. It’s fun here. We just attended a costume party together: I was Leia, he was Han Solo, and our dachshund was Chewbacca. Hee hee.
I totally agree about the communication thing: Mostly we learned to communicate our expectations and plans better.
When Jay and I were engaged I took him to our family Christmas party. I had not prepared him for what happened: I have 6 siblings, some of whom had spouses and kids, 15 cousins, and lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents . . . he handled the huge crowd, but now I know that he likes to be warned ahead of time. Ha.
This has be repinned to the Retro Re-Pin Party Board and we hope to see you next week starting Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET.
My hubby and I just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary so I can attest to the fact that these are very helpful tips to a successful and lasting marriage. The most important, in my opinion and experience, is keeping Christ at the center. When we honor Him first, everything else falls into place as a result. Praying for many, many blessed years of marriage for you two!
Supporting each others’ dreams is so very important. It is such a good feeling to know that your partner in life is your biggest fan. Thanks so much for sharing at Inspiration Thursday and happy half-year anniversary!
Ha, this was actually an old post. We’re close to 2 years now! I periodically like sharing my popular old blog posts. Thanks for hosting such a great link-up every week!