Welcome to the first day of #LoveBlog! Check out the announcement post for all the prompts and rules this month. I use affiliate links in this post. Read my disclosure for details.
I was a college student when I first discovered The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My roommate/best friend Rachel had bought the book for her boyfriend… But we each took the quiz first and read our respective chapters on our love language.
If you’re not familiar with the book or the concept, the idea is that each person has a primary love language. You feel most loved when people use your love language, and it’s also the way you naturally express love to others. The 5 love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
My primary love language is Words of Affirmation. (So leave me lots of blog comments!!!) Rachel’s primary love language is Receiving Gifts.
Knowing each other’s love languages, and acting upon them, helped us be even better friends and roommates. Rachel would thank me for cleaning our bathroom or the main part of the apartment, even though it was just my turn in our cleaning schedule. I would pick up her favorite candy at the grocery store or leave her a little encouraging note on her desk.
Speaking each other’s love languages helped both of us feel more loved. But I was also able to recognize when Rachel spoke her love language to me. I am often uncomfortable with people spending money on me. Blame my fierce independence. Once I understood that Rachel’s love language is Receiving Gifts (and thus also Giving Gifts), I stopped protesting when she wanted to treat me to something. I remember one time in particular when she took me out to dinner to celebrate a major academic achievement of mine. If we hadn’t discovered The 5 Love Languages, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with that.
Reading The 5 Love Languages
Several years after Rachel and I both graduated, I finally read The 5 Love Languages in its entirety. Before I go further, I do have one caveat against Chapman’s book in case you decide to read it. He provides case studies of couples who applied the concept to their marriage and saw good results. One of these features a woman with a physically abusive husband. The entire story is deeply disturbing. While I certainly hope Chapman’s intention was not to suggest women stay with abusive spouses and work harder at submission, that is essentially the moral of this case study.
That said, if you ignore that one story, The 5 Love Languages is applicable even to couples who are not Christian. While Chapman himself is a Christian, the book is not overly preachy or religious.
Chapman explains how the heady, dizzy, obsessive “in love” feeling doesn’t last forever. It usually lasts about two years. During this time, people think of nothing but their significant other, who is, naturally, flawless. Eventually people realize their significant other is imperfect.
“Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behavior patterns exert themselves. They are two individuals.”
At this point, love is a commitment. It takes work. It takes a genuine effort to pursue real, lasting love.
“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.”
Learning your significant other’s love language one way to accomplish this. Dan is fairly adept in all the languages (yes, I’m a lucky lady), but I really wanted to know his primary one. When I finished reading the book, we took the quiz together.
This all happened while I was living in Toronto. My love language was still Words of Affirmation. Dan’s was Physical Touch. I was honestly surprised by Dan’s love language because he’s so willing to do helpful things for the people he loves. He’s very cuddly, though, and not afraid to show affection for his friends & family.
I’ve always wondered if the long-distance nature of our relationship affected the results. My secondary love language changed from Quality Time to Physical Touch. Only seeing your significant other every 3 weeks to 3 months is a challenge! Skype hasn’t figured out how to let us cuddle or kiss through a webcam.
So we took the quiz again last week! To my surprise, my secondary love language is still Physical Touch (although it only beat Quality Time by 1 point). However, now I think maybe the difference is from taking the quiz as a single person vs. taking the quiz while in a relationship. Physical Touch is very important to me with Dan, but not as important with my friends and family (even though I’m a hugger).
Dan’s primary love language is still Physical Touch, but his secondary love language changed from Quality Time to Words of Affirmation. Granted, he and I both still scored a 7 on Quality Time.
I will be honest, learning our love languages didn’t magically improve our relationship. Since we speak similar love languages, we already express our love for each other in ways the other appreciates.
That said, Dan has gotten better about choosing his words carefully when he needs to offer constructive criticism. I have gotten better about not withdrawing affection when I’m upset. (Which is not a deliberate punishment, but an automatic physical reaction as part of burying my emotions and becoming cold. I know it’s not a healthy way of dealing with negative emotions, but it takes time to overcome over a decade of building emotional defenses).
If you can’t get your hands on a copy of the book, you can take the quiz online. They now have a separate quiz for singles which will probably be more accurate than my college attempt to rethink the romantic questions in a platonic way. There’s even a special version for teenagers.
Even if you’ve taken the quiz before, I do think it’s helpful to retake it periodically. Sometimes we change with age or new circumstances.
If you want to learn more about each of the five love languages, check back in all month. My #LoveBlog co-hosts and I will focus on each love language later this month.
February 5th: Receiving Gifts
February 9th: Quality Time
February 13th: Words of Affirmation
February 17th: Acts of Service
February 21st: Physical Touch
Meet Your #LoveBlog Hosts!
Meet Brita Long: Christian feminist blissfully married to Dan Fleck for almost two years. Lover of Paris, pink sparkles, sensible shoes, manicures, and books. Fueled by hot tea and mimosas.
Twitter // Instagram // Facebook // Pinterest // Tumblr // Google+
Meet Charlene Maugeri: Christian, wife, fur-mom, nerd, blogger and much more! She uses her blog, Enduring All Things, to inspire young wives to keep God first and their husbands second in everything they do.
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Welcome to #LoveBlog!
What is your primary love language? How do you express your love for your friends, family, or significant other? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Wow. I was surprised your love language was words of affirmation. 🙂 my husbands love language is also physical touch as well 🙂 you know I never thought of applying the book to friendships. That opens up a whole new world! I wonder what my sisters love language is??
I became way more patient with my twin brother & my mom’s “neediness” (physical touch) after I read this book. I’m not sure if my mom ever actually took the quiz before she died, but I think her primary love language was physical touch. My twin brother’s neverending need for hugs and cuddles is why I think his is also physical touch.
Get your sister to take the quiz! It only takes a few minutes. 🙂
Wow Brita…I’m really impressed with your post! I love that you included using the love languages for your roommate. That’s very smart.
I didn’t have a SO until I met my husband, so I only used the love languages with friends & family until I was 24. 🙂
The five love languages are my favorite!!! I saw my love languages shift a bit after we got married, and depending on what is going on in my life, they shift a tad as well. I hope it’s ok to participate in the link-up with some posts in my archive that fit the topic each day 🙂 I’m excited to read the rest of your month’s posts!
Yes, you can link-up old posts as long as they fit the prompt! You can even link up multiple old posts if you happen to have several that fit the prompt. I trust your discretion not to link up your entire archive since you write a lot about relationships. 😉 You could probably find a way to make most of your blog posts fit one of the prompts this month!
I think a lot of why our love languages shifted is because of our situations. You’re right. I think when we first got married, we got to spend a lot more quality time together and got to cuddle more than when we were dating. So Quality Time and Physical Touch moved further down on my list. And I think Acts of Service moved up because once we lived together, I realized how nice it was why he would help me around the house. It’s kinda cool to see these things change and I think it’s important to take the quiz pretty often to stay in the know.
I like the idea of periodically retaking the quiz to see how you’ve both changed. I’m glad Dan & I retook it this year! I honestly thought Physical Touch would become less important now that we live together, since we were long-distance when we first took the quiz together. But apparently I still want to snuggle my hubby as much as ever!
I had never heard of the 5 Love Languages before until about a year ago, when my husband and I were about to get divorced! Learning each other’s love language has helped us express our feelings towards each other and is one of the reasons we are still married (and happy, thank God).
Keep sharing the good stuff!
alicesblessedlife.com
I’m so glad to hear it helped save your marriage! <3
I have heard of the 5 Lov eLanguages but have no idea as to what mine or my husband’s are. I think this could be so beneficial to know and help us grow as a couple. I need to check out this book!
It’s a really good book! I also think it’s helpful with platonic/familial relationships, so your kids could take the quiz too. The website has a special quiz designed for teens. 🙂
Definitely need to get this…checking my library now!
I love the concept of the love languages! When Andrew and I were dating we both took the quiz and it was such an eye-opener. It changed so much of how we express love to each other, and has made a big difference in our marriage so far, too.