“Marriage is just a piece of paper.”
How many times have you heard that statement? I know I’ve heard it a few times in pop culture, but luckily most of my friends and family disagree with the sentiment.
I knew I wanted to marry Dan very early in our relationship. It was still a decision I made carefully, after considerable thought and pre-engagement counseling.
For me, marrying Dan meant making vows before God and our families. Marrying Dan meant making all major decisions with him. Marrying Dan meant choosing monogamy. Marrying Dan meant committing to a life-long relationship with him.
The 1100+ rights, privileges, and benefits granted to Dan and me by the federal government?
Those are the perks of the government recognizing our marriage, but they do not make up our marriage.
Those rights come from “just a piece of paper.” Our marriage license proves the legitimacy of those rights.
The government doesn’t care whether or not Dan and I got married in a church. The government doesn’t care that I identify as Christian while Dan identifies as atheist. The government doesn’t care that we love each other.
The government’s only concern is that Dan and I are both adults who willingly entered into a contract together called “marriage.”
My marriage is valid because of the vows Dan and I made to each other, before God and before our families. Our government’s recognition of our marriage doesn’t make it more or less valid. The legal recognition of our marriage is really just a guarantee of rights granted to married people.
Why the government has anything to do with marriage, I don’t even know. But as much as libertarians wish the government was not involved in marriage, it’s too late to turn back now.
As a practical libertarian, I focus on what is and not what should be. This means that for my entire adult life, I have supported marriage equality. I support the right for adults in same-sex relationships to marry each other in the eyes of the law. As long as the government is handing out rights, benefits, and privileges to some married couples, the government needs to grant the same rights, benefits, and privileges to all married couples.
After the ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges, the United States has finally achieved marriage equality! States can no longer ban same-sex couples from getting married.
As much as conservative Christians would like to argue otherwise, the government institution of marriage has nothing to do with the Christian definition of marriage. According to strict Christian marital beliefs, my parents should have been forbidden to wed (they both have ex-spouses). I shouldn’t be married to Dan, because we’re “unevenly yoked.”
And yet my parents celebrated 30 years together this past December. Dan and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary in March. The government didn’t discriminate against us, despite our marriages not falling perfectly in line with so-called “Christian” beliefs.
Finally, the government can no longer discriminate against same-sex couples who want to get married.
For years, same-sex couples have proven their marriages are just as beautiful, strong, and real as any heterosexual marriage, even if not recognized by the government. Like Jack Evans, 85, and George Harris, 82, of Texas, who finally had the chance to legally tie the knot in Texas. Or like Vivian Boyack and Alice “Nonie” Dubes, who legally wed in Iowa last year after being together for 70 years.
While marriage is greater than “just a piece of paper,” my heart overflows with joy that my LGBTQ+ friends now have access to the legal perks.
After all, that piece of paper–that marriage licence–makes life as a married couple so much easier.
And for some couples, their marriage license might also symbolize their commitment to each other. Just like Dan and I wear rings as symbols of our marriage, a marriage license can be a symbol of everything marriage means to a couple.
In conclusion, I want to quote from the majority opinion in Obergefell v. Hodges.
No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.
Do you feel like your marriage is somehow less valid because same-sex couples can get married? (Yes, that’s pretty much not a real question).
What are your thoughts on marriage in the eyes of the law vs. marriage before God? Do you agree with the SCOTUS decision? Why or why not?
I also feel like this is a good time to remind new and old readers alike to check out my Comment Policy before commenting.
I was overjoyed at the ruling. I literally cried. Even though it was a long time in coming, I was so proud that America made (what I see) as the right decision! x
Considering how long it’s taken the US to grant other forms of equal rights, this was a relatively quick decision! I mean, women didn’t get the right to vote until 1920, more than 120 years after the Constitution was first signed. And it took 100 years after the abolition of slavery to end discriminatory laws against POC. Like I commented to Lola above, we’ve seen attitudes about same-sex relationships change within our lifetime! It’s a pretty exciting time to be alive!
One of the most surreal and wonderful moments of my life was texting my mothers-in-law, who were busy at work that morning, to tell them they were now legally married in their home state of Kentucky. I was definitely typing through tears. It was so long in coming and yet hard to believe it had actually happened.
Later in the day, one of my MILs pointed out that my wife and her siblings were now all legally related to each other. This ruling was foremost about the love between two people, but it was also about the love that exists in families.
(I am itching to blog about it, myself… but I decided to wait until the big LGBT celebration in Philly this weekend!)
It’s pretty exciting to see how far our country has come. Remember when “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was actually a progressive compromise? Usually when I think about discriminatory laws, I think about the 60s or earlier. DADT was signed into law and repealed in our lifetime. It’s amazing!
I was living in Ohio when this case started, or at least when it started gaining attention. The previous court ruling was SO disappointing! I’m so glad that SCOTUS overturned it!
I just hope that maybe my words can slowly bring about some of the conservative Christians. I actually have a problem with people thinking homosexuality is a sin, but maybe at least they can realize that a “Christian marriage” is not always the same thing as a “government-recognized marriage.”
I can’t wait to read your blog post!!!! I’m bummed that I missed Columbus Pride this year. Last year’s festival and parade were SO good!
I am so with you re: conservative Christians. I’m okay with some people disagreeing on the issue, but it hurts my heart when these people speak of ‘Christians’ as one monolithic group. They DON’T speak for me (or you, I know!)
There are plenty of other doctrinal issues that divide the church, ones that are far more central to our beliefs. Yet we happily divide ourselves into denominations and respect these differences, for the most part. None are met with such vitriol as the fairly minor issue of homosexuality, except for maybe the role of women in the church.
I actually missed Philly pride this year, which I was bummed about too! (It was the same day that Crystal formally became Episcopalian, which is kind of poetic!) This weekend we’re celebrating the 50th anniversary of pro-LGBT protests at Independence Hall. I might get to meet Edie Windsor… so. excited.
How amazing were Justice Kennedy’s words?? I am SO HAPPY for our country. Thanks for sharing this wonderful post for Wedding Wednesday.
His words are beautiful! Our country has taken a great step towards equality!
What an amazing post! You know, when we went to get our marriage license, I just felt like it was way too easy. You’re right that all they care about is that you’re two consenting adults.. it’s so weird. If anyone ever says to me “marriage is just a piece of paper,” I hope I remember to lead them to this post. In my opinion, that piece of paper is the last thing on the list of things that make my marriage “valid”; our vows are #1.
Yeah, the marriage license stuff was so impersonal. We went to the courthouse. We submitted proof of our premarital counseling (in Texas, there’s otherwise a 72-hour waiting period). We handed over our IDs and some cash. Signed a few things. That was it. We might as well have been applying for passports or registering our cars.
What really mattered was two days later, when we exchanged our vows. THAT is the foundation of our marriage, not the marriage license.
I finally came by to read your post!!!! 🙂
My problem with this whole issue is that the federal government has zero right to dictate, define, or legislate marriage.
From there, we have to decide who DOES get to define marriage. Should it be something that is up to individuals decide, does any form of government get the final say, or is there a standard outside of time and space that we must submit to?
I’m a firm believer that the problems we are facing today all came about when we decided to live as we please, rather than asking how we ought to live. Human rights come from somewhere and the source of those rights has laws, rules, and standards that protect, guide, and keep guard over those rights.
I know that we disagree, but I’m definitely willing to chat more or to agree to disagree! Thank you for reading my post and sharing yours with me!!!! 🙂
“Why the government has anything to do with marriage, I don’t even know.”
Because marriage used to be a contract, and enforcing contracts is a role of government. People would agree to certain obligations about inheritance, payment of dowry or bride-price or both, providing for elderly in-laws, and so on. If people later disagreed about whether those obligations has been fulfilled, and couldn’t settle the disagreement acceptably themselves, they could turn either to government or to free-lance violence. In such situations, government is clearly the lesser evil.
Why government *still* has anything to do with marriage, though, is mostly a matter of cultural inertia. Marriage is no longer a contract, in the sense of a thing that might need a Leviathan to enforce it, lest dispute escalate to vendetta. But conservative Christians aren’t ready to give up on the idea of government enforcing a specifically Christian version of a combination contract and sacrament.
I’m definitely a conservative Christian, but I recognize that my own beliefs are not going to be held by others. For example, I do think a homosexual who becomes saved should see homosexuality as a sin, because I believe God has set rules. I also think that Christians have already destroyed marriage with spousal abuse, divorce, and affairs, so I am not worried in the slightest about any new government laws as I think marriage is pretty much already in the dumps to begin with without adding homosexual marriage to the pot. While I would vote against it for my own morals, I wouldn’t discriminate against any person for choosing to live how they see fit. And as its law now my own feelings are moot anyway.