Note: Since I am largely co-mingling my own story within the greater story of reproductive rights, I’m using feminine words to refer to people with uteruses. However, I know that not only women can get pregnant. For more on this, check out “4 Ways to Be Gender Inclusive When Discussing Abortion.”
It was Christmastime.
Dan and I were still newlyweds, giddy about love and marriage and a home together and our first married Christmas.
My best friend’s wedding was just a few weeks away. Two beautiful dresses, both altered to fit me perfectly, hung in my closet, with sparkly new shoes to match. I eagerly anticipated it all: reuniting with the other bridesmaids, giggling during the wedding rehearsal, drinking bubbly for days, crying during the ceremony, kissing my husband at midnight.
It should have been a magical, carefree month of good friends, good wine, and good snuggles by the fireplace.
But it wasn’t.
Because my grandmother was dead, my mother had cancer, and my husband was unemployed.
Because I started the holiday season throwing up.
Our trip to visit my parents for Thanksgiving ended up lasting longer than anticipated because I spent three days throwing up. Three days in pain so severe I cried.
One trip to the gastroenterologist later, I discovered I only weighed 98 pounds.
I spent December attempting to minimize my stress. I ate as much fat-laden food as possible.
And then I was late.
Am I pregnant?
Dan and I didn’t have coitus until our wedding day. I started on the Patch, an alternative to the Pill, roughly 6-8 weeks before our wedding.
My periods had never been the most consistent, but on the Patch, they finally became almost perfectly consistent. At the time, I changed my Patch every Sunday. Usually I did this in the morning, but sometimes I changed it at night. Similar to the Pill, I followed a schedule of three weeks on, one week off. During the off week, my period came.
My period almost always started on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.
On that dark December Thursday, I still had no period.
After momentary panic and hasty prayers, I forced myself to calm down. I mentally outlined a plan.
First, I would wait another 24 hours for my period to arrive. If it didn’t?
Only then would I tell Dan. There was no need to worry him immediately.
Then I would buy a few pregnancy tests.* If they were all negative, I would wait longer for my period to come. (And if it never came, I would take more pregnancy tests).
But if any of them were positive?
I would call Planned Parenthood and schedule the earliest available appointment to:
- confirm I was pregnant
- abort the pregnancy
Am I doing the right thing?
I honestly did not feel at all conflicted about this plan of action. My body wasn’t even capable of keeping itself healthy. There was no way I could safely gestate a fetus.
That said, I did feel conflicted about whether or not I would tell anyone other than Dan.
As a pro-choice feminist, I want to end the stigma around abortion. As feminist college students, my friends and I celebrated the anniversary of Roe v. Wade with cookie cake and the documentary Speak Out: I Had an Abortion.
Related: How to be a Feminist College Student
But as a Christian feminist, I feared the backlash. Most of my pro-choice friends wouldn’t choose abortion for themselves, even if they support the legality of it.
I was afraid that if I told anyone, I would lose friends forever and become the black sheep of my family.
I never had to make that choice, to declare my abortion publicly or to keep it private.
My period finally came Friday morning. My entire body relaxed, no longer in turmoil over a possible pregnancy.
But that day of fear, and quiet determination, never left me.
This is my abortion story
My almost-abortion continues to exist. I might no longer weigh only 98 pounds, but I am still incredibly sick. In medical terms?
My small intestine is fucked up.
As much as I dream of a healthy pregnancy one day, right now that is not medically possible.
Right now, my gastroenterologist has strongly advised me not to get pregnant.
I celebrate each monthly period just as much as I cry each time a character on Netflix celebrates her pregnancy.
And as much as I desperately want to be pregnant, if that were to happen before my next MRE, I would get an abortion. I am not willing to both worsen my own poor health and to put my fetus at increased risk for premature birth, low birth weight, and birth defects.
I still hope never to be in the position of choosing an abortion. The Patch is highly effective contraception, but then again, 17% of abortions in 2008 were for people who were using hormonal contraception at the time.
But that hope doesn’t stem from a moral quandary.
For me, sharing this emergency plan publicly takes more courage and fills me with more dread than thinking about having an abortion itself.
I still fear losing friends from this blog post.
I still fear family members turning their backs on me.
But this is a conversation that we need to have.
Why I write
Let’s just say I find it more than a little condescending when anti-choicers tell me that pro-choicers just aren’t informed enough. Women who get abortions just don’t know any better. If we could just be forced to think more about this decision, we would all change our minds.
This is me hoping you’ll change your mind.
I was only 16 when I started researching pregnancy with Crohn’s. At 19, I first broached the topic with my gastroenterologist. I’ve now had 5 separate conversations with 4 separate medical professionals on having a healthy pregnancy with Crohn’s Disease.
How many years of your life have you spent digging through highly-technical medical research on pregnancy? Closely examining drug warnings on all of your prescriptions, past and present? Seeking out Internet forums to see what Crohn’s patients have said about their own pregnancies?
I am so honest about my struggles with Crohn’s Disease in order to increase visibility of invisible illnesses. Maybe I make vulnerability look easy, but it’s truly hard to write publicly about my vomit and diarrhea and severe pain.
I do this not for myself, but for all the other people living with chronic and/or invisible illnesses, people who might lack my platform.
For the same reason, I need to share why abortion access matters to me personally.
My story is just what could have been, what might never come to pass.
But my willingness to choose abortion is very much grounded in reality.
The personal is still political
Today is Inauguration Day. Today Donald Trump becomes the 45th president of the United States.
Sunday marks the 44th anniversary of Roe v. Wade.
What will happen to reproductive rights under Trump’s administration? No one can say for sure (although some lawyers have discussed it).
I might not be joining a Women’s March this weekend, but this blog post is my small part to promote reproductive choice.
I stand with Planned Parenthood, with feminists, with anyone who recognizes the great need for bodily autonomy.
Where do you stand?
*I totally didn’t know then that it’s easy to get false negatives AND false positives so soon after a missed period. So this plan might not have worked properly anyway. Read more about pregnancy tests.
Girl, I love this so much. More than I thought I would when you posted about it on Facebook and more than I thought I would when I read the title. As you know, I am very much pro-life. Or at least I have been in the past. In recent months though, my opinions have shifted. I’ve had a couple pregnancy scares and as the thought of aborting my possible baby would cross my mind, I would immediately feel guilty because I felt I was betraying my beliefs and I felt I was being selfish. Did I have a right to kill an innocent baby just because I wasn’t ready to be a mom? Just because I wanted my husband to have more time to help me raise the baby? Just because I wanted to be more financially stable and be able to stay home? Then I would think maybe it wouldn’t be fair to the baby to bring him or her into a family that didn’t want him or her or that couldn’t take care of the baby as well as we wanted. Okay so adoption, right? Well how crazy does that look? We’re stable and have been married for 3+ years. Why on earth would we put a baby up for adoption? Also, there are over 100K orphans in the USA waiting to be adopted. A lot of those children turn 18 and age out of the system having never had a loving family.
So while I still wouldn’t choose abortion for myself, I know there are situations much worse than mine for which abortion might actually be the best choice for the baby, and the least selfish choice from the mother. And the health concerns of the mother are at the top of that list.
What I don’t support though is irresponsible people having lots of casual sex with no consequences. This is how I used to think every unwanted pregnancy happened. Okay I guess I didn’t think EVERY unwanted pregnancy happened this way. But it was always the issue I focused on. Now I know that’s a very small percentage of people getting abortions. And I know it is such a touch decision.
What really grinds my gears is that most of the people I’ve encountered who shout pro-life from the rooftops are “Christians” who sit in their comfortable houses in the suburbs with their 2.5 biological children doing nothing to help these women who are considering abortion. They do nothing to help the 100K+ orphans in our country. And they support death in so many other ways – war, death penalty, cops shooting blacks for no reason, the list could go on.
I actually wrote an entire blog post about all this back in November but I never published it. And I probably never will. I honestly think my parents would “disown” me and I’m not ready for that quite yet.
Thank you so much for your comment. I know you’re pro-life, and I was thinking of you and a few other friends when I wrote this. Not in a shaming way, but in a “I hope we’re still friends after this” way.
I do know one pro-life Christian who has been a foster parent before, who does what she can to help single/low-income mothers.
Sadly, based on the posts I’ve seen on Facebook, many of the same people proclaiming they voted for Trump because he was “pro-life” also show zero empathy when police officers kill unarmed black people. Supporting life means supporting life even if it’s black or gay or female or Muslim or poor, not just when the other person looks like you.
If you ever want to post an anonymous post on my blog, you’re welcome to it. I know my dad won’t be upset over this post, but I’m not sure how our extended family will feel about it. Still, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Familial love and concern for my Crohn’s can’t mean that much if they would rather risk my health (and life) in favor of a fetus.
Thank you for sharing your story, Brita! I have a similar story of that happening in college.
I hate pro-lifers and by pro-lifers I mean the people are actually pro-birthers because they don’t give a damn about the mother OR what happens to that baby after it’s born, just as long as it’s born. I saw it a lot in my religious community. That being said, I don’t give a damn if you’re prolife if you’re willing to volunteer giving out milk vouchers, diaper vouchers or any sort of real help to mothers who choose to keep their baby. That’s practicing what they’re preaching and that’s fine. It’s the ones who only picket showing fake photos of babies and that’s all they do, I have little respect for them.
Keep on, keepin’ on, Brita!
Thank you so much, Elyse.
I wrote this comment on a post Sarah Bessey made on Facebook.
“I’m fine with pro-life feminists who channel their beliefs into better access to contraception, better sex education, more support for single and/or low-income mothers, more support for children with disabilities, etc.
I’m fine with pro-life feminists who morally oppose abortion without wanting to make it illegal.
But a pro-life feminist who just wants to make abortion illegal is not a feminist. Reproductive choice is possibly the greatest right women need in order to control our own lives. And if that’s not something a woman considers necessary, she has a lot of unchecked privilege.”
Because research has shown time and time again that making abortion illegal doesn’t actually stop women from getting abortions. Sadly, there is too much of the latter and not enough of the former.
I’ve seen anti-choicers literally say that pregnancy is the consequence of having sex, and you shouldn’t have sex if you’re not willing to become a parent. The same anti-choicers who promote abstinence-only education and oppose contraception. That doesn’t sound pro-life to me; that sounds like punishing women for having sex.
All of the applause. Thank you for sharing your story <3
Thank you for your supportive comment <3
I am pro life, but I do understand the issue. At least I think I do. Abortion is legal. Women should not ever be shamed. It’s a personal choice, and I believe that. I do think a women should be able to have a baby and keep her job and not stress about it. I wish our world was different. When my sister told me a few months ago she was going to have an abortion I was honestly devastated, but I think it comes from my struggle with infertility. I want another baby so much, hearing someone ending a pregnancy is tough for me to handle. shes still my most wonderful sister and I love her, but I was grieved. I wish she’d never told me, just because of my own past. Women who choose abortion are women, women who choose life are women. Each choice is hard I am sure. Thank you for having this conversation. I don’t hate any woman, feminist or otherwise. Many of us were raised in very conservative environments and this can limit our view of some topics. That’s why I try not to judge. I mean in college I thought feminist women hated men and were crazy! It was what I had been told, it was all I knew. I am glad I learned differently, but it opened my eyes to how much our backgrounds and upbringings shape us. Especially as a parent, to my Reuben, I want to show him a wide range of things and experiences so he can have a better grasp of everything.
We are all definitely shaped by our own experiences. Our lived experiences are valid, but what’s important is that we recognized the different lived experiences of other people.
For a long time I didn’t think the US needed government-mandated paid parental leave. It didn’t fit with my libertarian values, plus I had read of the discriminatory side effects in other countries that are hard to prove. But now I think we do.
We spend so much money on farm subsidies and the military and public art and other unnecessary things. Paid parental leave could even be done sort of like disability insurance, where you just receive a percentage of your income while you’re not working. For a country supposedly founded on Christian values, with politicians currently in office who call themselves pro-life, our nation as a whole doesn’t do enough to support people who just gave birth.
Hugs. I’m so sorry about all of the enormous health problems you have had to go through for years. I hope that in the future getting pregnant will be a possibility for you.
I am very much pro-life. Pro-living. Having discovered how difficult it is to even get pregnant and having had one baby die…I do think life matters before life has existed for nine months. I shouldn’t only be allowed to grieve if my baby made it past a certain number of weeks or months–even though I know, scientifically, in the case of most miscarriages, the baby never had a chance of surviving on its own. Because babies are real, even if they don’t get a chance to be born. If I am privileged to be pregnant again, I will do whatever is within my power to protect my baby, no matter what, even though relatively little is actually within my power to do. But I’m also pro-life far after nine months. I am so grateful for resources that are available in America–Angel’s mom was a 15 year old illegal immigrant who didn’t speak a word of English when she got pregnant with him–thankfully there were resources for women in her situation and Angel remembers how they got their food through WIC and benefited a lot from similar resources when he was a child–I will always vote and advocate for such resources to exist. And while maybe Angel’s the sort of person who shouldn’t exist…according to what many people believe….I know that an unmarried teen living in a country where she doesn’t have a legal right to be can be an AWESOME mom and raise an incredible man. One of my teenage beauty school classmates had a baby while I was in school and you can bet I was right there with a gift card to the grocery store, helping feed baby boy when she brought him to school, loving that little cutie, making sure she knew about the resources in our city for his infant medical care and telling her if she needed any help Angel and I were around. Here, my family takes care of toddlers belonging to a friend works 6 days a week and can’t afford to pay for childcare. In a strange series of events, last year, we were even asked if we were able to adopt a baby from a mom, who, days before the baby was due to be born, was saying she couldn’t keep him. We said yes, if she truly, truly didn’t want to keep the baby, we could adopt him. There are no legal adoption agencies in this country, all adoptions are private and managed by a certain branch of the government–we threw ourselves into researching what would need to happen to achieve first a Malaysian adoption and then, on our country’s side, immigration and citizenship. Talked to lawyers and other parents who have done it and all that–basically, we were told a baby might need a family within a few days notice and we did everything we could to be prepared for that eventuality–but we also worked toward preparing the mom, getting her in touch with people who could be in this journey for the long haul with her, and doing what was possible to see if this little guy could stay with his mom. With counseling, education about the resources available to her, and the fact that she fell in love with that little guy when he was born, she decided to keep her baby and we continue to be involved with the people who are helping her make a plan for raising her little one and having a life for the two of them. If I lived in the USA, I would be a foster parent. Children, particularly children not born into easy situations, are a great love of mine, even though I know not everybody cares. Sorry that not all pro-lifers show their commitment to life in practical ways. They ought to.
I’m glad that you do show your commitment to life in practical ways. And yeah, I don’t really see that happening among all people who call themselves pro-life.
But to address your opening lines…
I would never tell you not to grieve your miscarriage just because we disagree on when life begins. Feelings are valid, especially feelings as a reaction to an event, even if those feelings are not based on logic or facts. I have certainly tried with all sincerity to be loving and sympathetic on your blog and social media, and I am truly sorry if I have ever come across as otherwise.
However, just like my beliefs shouldn’t dictate your feelings, your beliefs shouldn’t dictate my medical options. According to my gastroenterologist, who intimately knows my digestive track, I’m currently at risk for a medical complication that would most likely need prompt surgery. Surgery that doctors hesitate, if not refuse, to perform on pregnant people. People die from this complication, especially if it’s not treated quickly, especially if those people have compromised immune systems like I do. My gastroenterologist has advised me not to get pregnant, and short of having a celibate marriage, I’m doing what I can with reliable contraception. But even the best of contraception can fail, and I should have every medical option available to me if it does.
Brita, thank you so much for sharing this. I really admire your courage and I hope your friends and family are more supportive than you expect — you really are an amazing woman 🙂
Thank you so much, Sareeta! So far I’ve just lost two email subscribers and one Bloglovin subscriber. The direct feedback has been very encouraging. <3
Aw I’m sorry to hear that, but at least now you know who your real tribe is! 🙂
Brita, thank you for sharing your story! Politicians shouldn’t be able to make medical decisions for people.
Aaron Camp
Westville, Illinois
I agree! There’s been so much anti-choice legislation passed that truly concerns me. I will always be able to afford to travel for healthcare, but not all women are so financially blessed.
Thank you for sharing your story. We need to share and talk about abortion until there’s no stigma.
You are welcome. I definitely hope to end the stigma of abortion, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
I think it’s a personal decision that no one can make for you and is no one else’s business. This was a great post!
Pious people who judge have not been in your shoes. Regardless of how anyone feels about abortion, it is not up to them to decide for someone else!
Thank you so much for your understanding comment. I agree that abortion should be a personal decision, just as continuing with a challenging pregnancy is a personal decision.
Thank you for sharing. Most Christians I know are strongly anti-choice and that really bothers me. Including my country’s Prime Minister even! Whatever your beliefs, a woman should have the right to choose
I agree! Personal religious beliefs shouldn’t affect someone else’s medical decisions.
Fab post Brita. And you’re right, it’s often the ‘anti-choicers’ that are uninformed. They like to think that it’s only so called ‘loose women’ that use abortion as some sort of contraception to rectify bad life decisions, but there are so so many other factors that come into play for so many women. I just wish the ignorance would end.
I wish the ignorance would end too. I see so many “alternative facts” bandied about regarding abortion statistics, never with any citations to back them up. No one uses abortion as contraception. That’s a myth I wish would just die!
I understand the desire to empathize with women who have had abortions — I am pro choice and think abortions should be safe and legal. Personally, though, I find it a bit problematic that you compare the aftermath of a pregnancy scare (which many women experience) to the aftermath of an abortion. I am sorry to hear that your health problems complicate these matters considerably, but I still think your headline is misleading, and too inflammatory simply for the sake of being inflammatory.
Thank you for commenting.
However, I disagree that I’ve compared the aftermath of a pregnancy scare to the aftermath of an abortion. For one, there’s not really an “aftermath” to a pregnancy scare, unless you’re defining that as my determination to get an abortion as necessary. For the other, the aftermath of an abortion includes any physical toll on a patient’s body, any out-of-pocket costs, any potential conflicting emotions, etc., none of which I address in this post.
I wrote this post for a few reasons. Primarily, I want to clear up any misconceptions that I’m one of those pro-choicers morally opposed to abortion, who would never have an abortion myself, but who recognizes the need for legal abortion. I know a lot of people who feel this way. Many of them actually identify as pro-life, although they’re technically pro-choice. Since I am married, and we are financially stable, and we do want children, it’s easy to assume that I would never have an abortion myself.
There’s a lot that we can do to end the stigma against abortion. Admitting I would get one myself is my small contribution to that fight.
“The abortion I almost had” lol. Oh sweetie. It’s not possible for you to “almost have” an abortion if you were never pregnant in the first place. Pretty messed up, your attempt at creating a clickbait title.