For possibly the first time in my life, I’m at a loss for words.
More than two weeks ago, my parents called me with the worst news of my life.
My mom’s cancer is terminal. There’s nothing else the doctors can do for her.
How do I write about this?
How do I explain how much I love my mom? How great she is? How scared I am? How overwhelmed I feel by a future without my mom in it?
My mom is one of the most important people in my life, and I have no idea how much time I have left with her.
My mom taught me how to tie my shoes.
When I was sick, my mom wrote down every time I had a fever, or complained about my stomach pain, or threw up, or had diarrhea. Her log of my symptoms revealed the possibility that I had Crohn’s Disease.
With no pediatric gastroenterologist in Greenwood, I saw one in Augusta. My mom took me to most of my appointments.
My mom made sure I didn’t repeat her mistakes, but she gave me room to make my own.
My mom taught me the Lord’s Prayer. She indulged my love of Vacation Bible School and let me attend VBS at all my friends’ churches. My mom and my dad are why I’m a Christian feminist.
My mom did community theatre with me and with my brother Jeremy. She drove us to rehearsals, ran lines with us, and always picked out a special gift for us on Opening Night.
My mom taught me how to scrapbook.
My mom has the most beautiful green thumb, and she’s always been willing to share both her knowledge and the fruits of her labor. Many family gardens feature a cutting or a transplant from my mom’s garden.
My mom is not a perfect woman, and she has never pretended otherwise. My mom taught me how to accept responsibility for my mistakes, to apologize, and to ask for forgiveness.
I’ve been thinking about this post for weeks. I’ve spent hours trying to write it. But I still feel like I don’t know what to say.
My parents have always been my role models. My confidantes. My biggest cheerleaders. My moral compass. My source of wisdom.
And I’m losing half of that dynamic duo.
I don’t know how I will ever be the same.
People keep on asking me what they can do.
You can pray. You can think happy thoughts. You can send flowers, which my mom and I both love. If you’re local, talk to me or to my dad about providing a meal. We’ve been very blessed so far by both the floral deliveries and the home-cooked meals. I’ve even gained a few pounds!
You can also let me talk when I want to talk. At least a half dozen people ask me how I’m doing every single day. I am genuinely grateful that we are so surrounded by love. I really am.
But please, if I say that I’m fine, or I’m okay, don’t push me to say more. I cannot spend my entire day crying. I cry at least once a day, and it’s usually with my husband, or one of my best friends, or into my pillow at night. If I am the person who answers the phone or opens the door, just remember that I do that all day long, almost every day, for all the people who love my mom and my family. And I really just do not feel like baring my soul to everyone.
To everyone already praying, and calling, and visiting, and sending flowers, and feeding us, thank you. My family is incredibly fortunate to have so much love in our life.
Oh no. 🙁 I’m so sorry. My dad has terminal cancer as well (though quite slow-growing). There aren’t words for the punch in the gut can’t breathe life is falling apart feeling. Thinking of you and your family with lots of love and tenderness.
I’ve been thinking of you since I heard the news. I had a short-lived brush with that nightmare during my dad’s holiday scare, and I still just can’t imagine what you’re going through. . .I’m so sorry for you and your family. If you ever need to vent freely with no strings attached and no worries about choosing your words – or just want to distract yourself with some completely off the wall philosophical discussion about whatever crazy story is happening in the news – go ahead and email.
Brita, I really do know how this feels. My mother passed away (from cancer) when I was 19…my sister barely 18. You do heal–and I know you already know that–and you do survive (gloriously). I am crying for your brilliant mother also. It’s difficult to see you all and not cry all over you, feeling what I assume is your pain, feeling what I assume are the emotions that you’re all just trying to live through right now. You honor your mother with every breath you take, with every blog post you share and with every beautiful and joyous moment of your life…now and in the future. I am here for you, should you ever need me to listen or to cry along with you. Sending you all much love and comfort.
I’ve been thinking of you since I heard. I’ll be praying for you all so much. All my love goes out to you guys! x
hugs
Oh Brita! I am so sorry. I am certainly praying for you and your family. I’m praying God brings his peace on you all. I wish I was closer so I could do more tangible things. If you do ever feel like talking, please shoot me an email! And if you don’t mind, I’d love to have your address to send you some fun goodies!
Sending many prayers for you and your family. I am so sad to hear this news. My father in law just passed away from brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme) two weeks ago. I am so sorry you all are having to go through this struggle.
I’m so sorry. 🙁
hugs!
Brita, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m praying and I’m here for you in any way I can possibly be. <3
Also, that’s so adorable that you went to all your friends’ VBS’s growing up…
Wow, this is so vulnerable and real and honest. Thanks for sharing! Praying for you. It doesn’t matter if I know you or not, we are sisters in Christ. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Brita,
I’m new to your blog, and this is the first post I ever read. I’m so sorry about your mother. I can’t imagine how this news feels, and I’ll be sending prayers your way.
Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I hope God heals your broken heart and helps you through this. I’m also praying for your mother, as I’m sure this is devastating for her as well.
Oh Brita, I am so sorry to learn of this news! This must be an incredibly hard time for your family, I couldn’t imagine. Reading everything you wrote made me smile, your mom sounds like an incredible woman, I knew you got it from somewhere 😉 I know you feel like you didn’t write the right things but to me you wrote beautifully. Your blogging friends are always hear when you need someone to listen! I will keep your family in my thoughts!
Brita,
My heart goes out to you. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman. I’ll be keeping your family in my thoughts.
Elizabeth
Sweet girl, these words jerk my heart strings.
Stay near and love her and give her whatever she wants and love her some more. Write down precious things she may say. They will become a special and often poignant memory.
I lost my Mama 2 years ago. I cared for her the last 15 years of her life. I have noticed that the hard things that I watched every day have lessened now, just of recent. The sweet moments are becoming more prominent in my memory. Those things she said are just so lovely for my heart now. Do not hesitate to love her so very much through this hard time. Say anything you have always wanted to tell her about what a special mother she has been. Asking about the fear of dying can help both of you. It did us, but may not if that is a subject off limits. Just depends.
Our mothers are special and I lift you in prayer, along with both of your parents.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
I am very behind on my blog reading so I am just coming across this. I am so sorry about your mom’s diagnosis. We lost my aunt last year to cancer and my cousin is about my age, it was a rough time for sure. Keep your faith. I cannot imagine what y’all are going through directly, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your mom sounds like an amazing lady for sure.
Brita,
I saw the sadness as I was talking to you today. You are very dear to me, and I’m here for you. If you want to talk I will listen. If you need privacy I will give you as much as you need. You’re amazing, beautiful, talented, and strong and I feel lucky to have you as my friend. I’m excited to see you in December!