Dear friends,
I’m breaking up with you. All of you.
I know this is sudden.
It’s not you; it’s me. Or rather, it’s my marriage.
See, I’ve recently discovered that by having friends, I’ve put my marriage at risk. I haven’t set good boundaries with all of you who aren’t my family.
From now on, I promise to follow certain boundaries that, unfortunately, mean I can’t have any friends. I think acquaintances will be okay, though, as long as a family member chaperones our time together.
What boundaries am I following as of today?
I will not be in the same room alone with anyone. This will require some creativity, like only meeting people in groups, or only working with clients online. But no sacrifice is too great for the sanctity of my marriage!
I will not ride in a car alone with anyone. Everyone knows that riding alone in a car with someone other than your spouse leads straight to adultery.
I will not go out to eat alone with anyone. Everyone knows meals in public are only for dates, especially if two people share a meal. I should only date my husband, ergo, I cannot go out to eat with anyone else.
I will be above reproach. It doesn’t matter if I know I would never cheat on Dan. Anyone who could see me in public must know that I am a faithful wife. I have to protect my reputation, which I can really only do by never spending time alone with anyone other than my husband or family.
I will delete all social media. Social media is potentially filled with attractive people. What if I find one of them attractive? It’s too easy to connect with someone online. One thing could lead to another, and I might cheat on my husband.
My dear friends, I will miss each of you dearly. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I never intended to break up with you, but I need to set up guardrails to protect my marriage. I could potentially be attracted to any of you. Any of you could potentially be attracted to me. The wrong combination could be disastrous for my marriage.
After all, if setting these boundaries with the opposite sex is necessary to protect marriages with straight spouses, what else is a bi lady to do except dump all of her friends?
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Meet Brita Long: Christian feminist blissfully married to Dan Fleck for almost two years. Lover of Paris, pink sparkles, sensible shoes, manicures, and books. Fueled by hot tea and mimosas.
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Meet Carolynn Markey: Designer of knitting and crochet patterns, weekly vlogger on YouTube and mother to Reuben. I write mostly about the wonderful discovery of parenting when I am not knitting something!
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My question is, how are you protecting your marriage? What boundaries have you set?
Hahaa, this is funny. It sounds straight out of some religious books I have read! I think boundaries are unique to each marriage, I mean, some people are comfortable with a lot more than I am!
I do think boundaries should be unique to each marriage, but I also think that hard boundaries can be detrimental to women’s careers. What’s most important is full transparency in a marriage.
Dan travels with women for work all the time. If he followed the boundaries listed above (which men literally do even at work), it would either screw up his career OR the careers of his female colleagues. Which is something I’ll write about later, but I plan on dropping a shit ton of research for that post, so I haven’t had time.
The sarcasm is so thick in this post. 🙂 🙂 🙂
It did make me laugh although I can see where / when a few of them would apply. Honestly, I don’t think it’s about NEVER (I hate absolutes) but, taken as guidelines, I can see where 1 or 2 of them aren’t bad boundaries to prevent unhealthy habits. Overall, I chuckled my way right through this.
Poking fun of absurd relationship advice is my thing 😉
I think full transparency in a marriage is more important than hard boundaries. One of my husband’s “leaders” (I don’t really understand his job’s hierarchy) is a woman. Should he just refuse to work with her alone to protect our marriage? Unfortunately, people are literally doing that (which I will discuss in depth at a future point), and usually women’s careers suffer. While Dan has a female leader in a male-dominated career, that’s the exception, not the rule. Male bosses are getting away with not working one-on-one with female employees, who then get passed up for promotions because they lack the experience and the connections of their male counterparts.
I tell Dan when men send me sexually explicit emails through my blog, although I consider that sexual harassment, not a “pathway to adultery.” I tell Dan when men send me flirty messages on Instagram. But I’m not quitting my blog or giving up social media just because some men think all women are fair game, and Dan would never expect that. Unfortunately, based on my obsession with my favorite subreddit (Relationships), men are literally asking their girlfriends to delete their social media accounts because they can’t handle other men liking and commenting on the photos.
Basically, I’m not okay with stuff that gets passed off as “normal” or “healthy” when it’s actually based on misogyny and control issues.
I think boundaries have to be tailored to fit each couples needs. My husband and I don’t have explicit boundaries set – as in we’ve never sat down and discussed, point by point, what we can and cannot do with or without each other in the presence of a member of the opposite sex. We have a lot of trust, and we are both bad liars lol. There isn’t much that we keep from each other, in fact I don’t think there is anything that we keep from each other. I actually have a shared office with my boss, who is a male. My “lunch break” usually consist of shutting the office door and scarfing my lunch down while also trying to get some work done, so we are behind closed doors sometimes. This doesn’t bother my husband because he actually knows that I don’t think of my co worker as anything other than a coworker.
If a certain situation arises that makes me feel uncomfortable, I simply tell him. If he feels like I am being ridiculous, he will explain to me why he feels that way and we’ll discuss it together and come up with a solution. This works both ways for us, if he’s uncomfortable with a situation he will tell me and we’ll come up with a solution. We really don’t have any absolutes or “nevers” when it comes to things we are “allowed” to do, but we do believe in respecting each other’s wishes.
Taking things situation by situation makes SO much sense! Open communication is key. Like my husband and I tell each other if we’re going into a situation that from the outside could look bad. We trust each other, so we know it’s just a work thing or a friend thing or whatever.
Lol – can’t wait until someone thinks this is serious.
I have a thing about “those” couples who share a facebook account. CLEARLY there are unhealthy boundaries in that relationship. You can’t let them have a facebook without seeing their messages and every interaction? Creepy.
Sometimes it’s less about boundaries, and more about giving people the opportunity to get responses. My husband and I considered combining ours not too long ago, as he consistently forgets to check Facebook and regularly has people who try to contact him on there (even after saying he doesn’t check often). Combining them would have allowed me to see when someone was reaching out, and make sure he got the message. The only reason we didn’t is because he uses Facebook to connect with his birth mother (he just connected with her a few years ago), and I do not want to be privy to those private conversations unless he shows me. So rather than combining them, he gave me his password and log-in info and asks me to check in on his FB now and again to make sure he hasn’t missed an important message. It’s not always about the boundaries thing.
I know other couples who have done it for those same reasons.
However, couples who do it because they want to see everything their spouse does — that’s way too much for me.
Sounds like people are not respecting his boundaries of not wanting to use FB for communication. 😉
(Okay, not boundaries per se, but I had to go there!)
You have a lot more patience than I do. I have zero interest in checking up on Dan’s FB account for him!
Haha, one could say that 😉
And trust me, the patience isn’t *that* high. I successfully did it for about two months, followed by about six months of simply responding with a cut and paste message I wrote providing contact info for Scott or directing them to contact me directly if it’s regarding getting together for something. Now, I log in maybe once every four months, see if there are message notifications and text him to check his FB.
No one has taken me seriously… yet. It’s not too late, though!
When my mom was still alive, my dad looked at stuff on her FB just because he didn’t want to get his own. Since we memorialized her account, he was forced to create one for himself to keep up with everyone. It’s pretty cute the way he goes through and “likes” things. I don’t think he’s ever posted, though!
I’ve always thought these kind of hard boundaries were kind of absurd. I read the first chapter of “Boundaries on Marriage” and promptly took it right back to the library. Since then, however I’ve heard that boundaries aren’t always preventative but they can also be something that helps keep your marriage healthy. Things like a specific day of the week is always spent together. But even then, I’m not sure I like restrictive, hard boundaries. Just make a goal and try to do those kinds of things. And for the other, just be open and honest.
Openness and honesty are where it’s at! I think that’s also true for your private thoughts, not just for your actions. Like if you know you’re feeling tempted by something, then you need to be honest with yourself and remedy that situation.
So glad you ended things first! I was beginning to think all those blog link-ups with you were going to cause a conflict within my marriage! 😉
I know, right?! It’s not you; it’s me. This link-up is just getting too intimate!
lol love these posts
Thanks! 😉
ahahaha! I’ve written about our “no jealousy” marriage before, but I still remember Angel telling me before marriage, “You know I’m a nurse, I’m going to work with mostly women for the rest of my life. Can you handle that?” (his previous gf couldn’t, that’s why he was asking), and I was like, “Sure. I think you’re smart enough to know the difference between a wife and a coworker.” I don’t think I’ve made any new close guy friends post-marriage, except for a few mutual friends, but I still keep in touch with my old ones, as much as they keep in touch with me. The guys I’m friends with are notoriously bad at regular email/messaging, although one of my dearest and oldest buddies that I knew from high school in Malaysia did just email to brag that he got married more recently than I did and he already has two kids and I have zero. Thanks a lot, buddy. There’s something I really appreciate about the bluntness of those friendships.
Your marriage sounds so great! I love your response to Angel. 😀
Any guy friends I’ve made post-marriage have been mutual friends with Dan, or the significant others of my girlfriends. Like you, I’m in touch with my old ones. I had the opportunity in November to see one of my best friends from college for the first time in over a year. I even GASP spent the night at his place!!!!!!!!
Also, I love that your friend is keeping score about kids. My twin brother and I joked about that recently when I asked my dad if our family had kept our old rocking horse. My twin brother said that we’d donated it. Either my dad or my younger brother piped up to say it was in the attic. This led to a hilarious discussion in which my twin said whoever has kids first gets the rocking horse.
Love your spin on this post! I think it’s perfectly okay for spouses to have friends – even of the opposite sex – if they have talked in advance about their boundaries. Communication is what it all always comes back to after all. 🙂
Like, my oldest guy friend has been in my life since I was 16. We rarely see each other because he grew up in Seattle and went to school in California and currently lives in Japan… But he still moved mountains to be at my wedding reception two years ago. I wasn’t about to just dump him, or any of my other best guy friends, just because I found a husband.
Exactly! I’ve known my best guy friend since high school. We’ve had a on/off friendship over the years but we’ve always been there for each other and we’ve even given each other relationship advice on many occasions! I wasn’t about to dump a friend simply because I got married and my husband understands this. He doesn’t mind if I hang out with him because he knows it’s purely platonic. Guys and girls can be friends without it ever becoming more. Sadly, his current girlfriend isn’t quite as understanding about our friendship…
THIS! I’m a ministry leader in my church, and a meeting between our various ministry leads about expectations had a lot about not driving alone or meeting one on one with the opposite sex (except your spouse). It made me so sad to hear men proudly talk about how at work they don’t even meet one on one with a female coworker! [I read your comment replies about writing on this in the future – looking forward to that!] Luckily my husband and I agree on the absurdity of this, so it’s not an issue in our marriage really – just in our church lives.
That sounds so frustrating! The work stuff just really bugs me because it’s just a new take on the “old boys’ club.” Women not having mentors, or losing out on projects, or being unable to join the social aspect of networking, all because of men’s “boundaries,” get totally screwed in their careers.
So Brita, how often to you get comments from people who don’t seem to understand your satire? I remember there for awhile on Facebook there was a big problem of people really not understanding when something was written seriously or satirically.
Haha, not too many, but that’s probably because I either begin or end with non-satirical writing. I do often get comments from readers who didn’t get it until the very end, though.
Heh! At first I didn’t recognize the tongue-in-cheek tone…
…Seriously, not in any way to offend or discredit anyone else’s religious relationship, but this is something I don’t understand about the conservative world pertaining to relationships. Rules like this reek of insecurity and lack of trust in one’s own self control / a spouse’s self control. Not to mention an understanding that people, while complex and prone to crushes and misplaced sexual energy, have the capability to develop normal friendships and relationships that take all forms.
That’s just my own blunt opinion.
I think what’s most important is communicating and ensuring transparency with other relationships. Wanting one-on-one time with friends is super natural, regardless of sexuality or gender or whatever…how else are we to connect with fellow human beings on a real, intimate level, even platonically? I’m introverted and prefer one-on-one time or very small close-knit groups, though, so that may just be my own take on it.
Joe and I did go through a rough patch when I was really into ballroom dance. I was really close friends with my partner, and obviously that activity put us literally close together. But our conflict was much more about the amount of time I was putting into it and the fact that that time was with someone else, sharing a hobby and travels with someone else, than the actual threat of cheating.
I came out of ballroom dance with a really close friendship with a guy who, although was never my dance partner, became our roommate, witness at our wedding, and both of our best friend. I don’t think my involvement in dance ever really changed Joe’s and my relationship, because we talked about it. A lot.
Transparency is SO important. Both partners need to communicate regularly what’s going on with other people, and also how they feel about it.
I really think the idea that you’re just going to end up cheating if you don’t set firm boundaries is offensive! I somehow doubt we’re hard-wired to jump every person of the opposite sex ever. I’m religious, and I don’t get it either.
ALSO it’s super-cool that you do ballroom dancing!
Is this the reason why Dan came to eat with us today? Good thing, because I might have been ALL over you if he hadn’t! Hahaha!!!
LOL, you’ve figured it out! If I can’t find a chaperone, then Dan has to accompany me on all outings so I’m not alone with anyone. 😉 I just can’t control myself!!!!