I loved all of your comments on my blog post “Stop Sharing Horrible Dating Advice.” I promised to follow up with good dating advice, and I always keep my promises!
General Dating Advice
Your relationship status does not define your self-worth.
There is nothing wrong with being single. There is a lot more to life than finding a significant other. I love being married, but meeting Dan is not my greatest accomplishment in life.
Be the best version of yourself.
This is actually combined advice, from “be yourself” and “improve yourself.” I definitely advocate being true to yourself while dating, but a little self-improvement is good for everyone. For example, in regards to appearance on a first date, it’s easy to dress one level above your comfort level. For me, this means putting on a comfortable dress or skirt and top with low heels or wedges, and applying a smidgen of make-up. This is a step above my jeans/shorts and sweater/tank with boots/flip-flops and no make-up. For Dan, this looks like nice jeans and a collared shirt.
You also might choose to expand your interests. This does NOT mean forcing yourself to do an activity you hate, but instead, taking the time to discover something new or to engage more with a hobby you already enjoy. If you enjoy doodling, try taking an art class. If you’ve always wanted to travel, start reading up on foreign countries.
You never want to be someone you’re not, especially not to impress a man or woman. That said, you can still put your best foot forward when dating. You need to have something to offer!
Set reasonable expectations.
Supposedly the rise in online dating has ruined dating and relationships because we think we can always find someone better. Dan and I met on OKCupid, so that trope certainly didn’t apply to us.
No one is perfect. Not me, not Dan, not anyone reading this (except for Jesus, who is totally reading my blog). You can’t expect anyone you date to be perfect either.
But don’t compromise on what really matters.
Only date someone who respects you, someone who is kind to you. Figure out your other priorities, and don’t compromise on those. Like if you don’t want kids, you probably shouldn’t date someone who wants six of them. If you’re super-duper Catholic, you probably should only date other really devout Catholics.
Not everyone wants to date exactly like you prefer, and that’s okay.
I’ve noticed an unsettling tendency for women (and to a lesser extent, men) to rant about how the other gender has “ruined” dating. Men have ruined dating because they won’t ask out women directly. Women have ruined dating because they’re interested in casual sex. Men have ruined dating because they don’t want to pay for a first date. Women have ruined dating because they ask out men themselves.
Seriously. Stop whining.
People are individuals. That means people have individual needs and preferences, and that includes how they want to date. If you’re looking for a relationship, don’t go out with the person interested in casual sex. If you prefer good old-fashioned courtship, don’t date outside of your conservative church.
And if you still date someone totally incompatible with your dating style, don’t blame that person when everything blows up in your face.
Dating Advice for First Dates
(and the Second and Third)
Lunch, coffee, or drinks make for a great first date.
It’s a short time commitment, with the opportunity for more. If the date is awful, you can end it after an hour or two. If the date is awesome, it’s easy to extend it.
A first date is an audition for a second date, not for marriage.
Unless you’re following extremely conservative courtship rituals, a first date is not a declaration for marriage. At the end of a first date, ask yourself if you’re interested in a second date, NOT if you can see yourself married to that person.
No one owes you sex.
You got all dolled up and you’re wearing your best lingerie? Your date still doesn’t owe you sex.
You brought flowers and paid for dinner? Your date still doesn’t owe you sex.
Enthusiastic consent should always be your standard for sex.
Ready for a first kiss? Go 90% and let your date close that 10% gap.
Even for kissing someone, you need consent. If your date is giving you flirty cues, that could be a sign of nonverbal consent. If you’re uncomfortable asking for permission to kiss your date, then lean in for a kiss, but give your date the chance to go for it too. Or, in case your date isn’t ready, give your date a chance to turn away or withdraw.
Yes, ladies, you can make the first move too.
I totally initiated mine and Dan’s first kiss, at the end of our second date. Not everyone will be comfortable doing this, but if you are, go for it! Just go for it 90%.
What did I miss? I tried to be thorough without writing a novel on dating advice. Now it’s YOUR turn to spill! Share your best dating advice in the comments!
Yes! to absolutely all of this! xx
Glad you agree!
yes ma’am! random, but i feel like i’m the only person who won’t even kiss on a first date unless we’ve known each other for a bit. there’s no physical “reward” expected at the end of the night bc we went out for a date, if that makes sense.
You’re definitely not the only person! I have a few friends who are still saving their first kiss, period, because they just haven’t found the right guy. Everyone has their own pace, from hand-holding all the way to sex, and all paces are okay!
Excellent post, Brita! That’s really all I can say haha. I don’t have any dating advice but I am not opposed to it. My main focus is living my best life. If I end up going on dates along the way then so be it.
Thank you! Living the best life is really all you can do. 🙂
I think my biggest dating advice would be not to loose yourself in the relationship. It definitely makes sense to pick up new hobbies and to do things as a couple. But I think it’s also really important you don’t sacrifice who you were before the relationship and still find the time to do what you enjoy even if it’s on your own.
Oh, I totally agree!
I would say, your spot on with your advise, I love the 90% good policy.
Thanks for sharing on Oh My Heartsie Friday Feature this week
Happy New Year!!!
Happy New Year!
This is great advice! I could relate so much to your horrible dating advice post, so I’ve been looking forward to reading your advice that doesn’t suck. I love how you talked about being open to trying new things. I’ve developed a lot of new interests in the past couple years thanks to my boyfriend. He’s found some new ones thanks to me, too. It’s fun to be open and try new things.
Thanks for joining us for Hump Day Happenings! I’m glad you link up each week. Happy New Year!
Aw, yay, I’m glad you’re enjoying this mini-series. I still have six more to write, two for each category: relationships, sex, & marriage. I’m really looking forward to writing out why I’m a bad wife doomed for divorce… 😉
Happy New Year!
I’m always so interested in dating advice because I’ve never really dated! My boyfriends were always people I was friends with. We just transitioned to relationship status, so I never had to go through that “date to get to know someone” phase. Which is great, because I would have felt so, so awkward. Hah, I do love your point though that a date is an audition for a second date, not marriage. I’ve had some friends tell me that they wouldn’t date people they couldn’t see themselves married to, and that always seemed (besides crazy) kind of stressful.
Ah, so you just DTRed with those guys? 😉 The friend to boy/girlfriend thing was how relationships worked at my school (Furman) too. Aka why I never really dated then, since my best guy friends who I LIKE-liked didn’t feel the same way about me. Their loss! 😉
Well done Brita!
(Am I allowed to respond given that I’m from the other side of the gender fence?)
I agree whole-heartedly with your advice to “be yourself”. Dates are the stepping stones by which each person gauges compatibility with a specific romantic interest. If either individual displays a false persona, they are negating the reason for going on these dates. No one wants to find themselves in a committed relationship only to have the other person “take off their mask”, revealing a completely different personality.
Communication is key. Share your true thoughts and feelings. Be willing to put yourself out there. Be compassionate and understanding. Don’t make snap judgements (avoid stereotyping). Know who you are and what you are seeking. Don’t be afraid to explore ideas that may vary from your preconceived notions and be willing to modify your “wish list” — not everything we learned growing up may necessarily be true (at least for us).