I’m 27. I have a college degree. I’ve walked the streets of Paris alone at midnight. I’m married.
And I’m afraid of the dark.
It’s not so much that I have a childlike terror of darkness. I prefer sleeping in complete darkness, to the point that Dan and I have covered in Duck tape every tiny green, blue, or red light on small electronic devices in our bedroom.
But when we go into dark rooms in museums, rooms designed to be especially dark to better display a night sky exhibit or luminescent rocks, my heart starts beating just a little faster. I try to calm myself with deep, steady breaths, but I can’t shake off the nervous feeling until we move on to the next exhibit.
In high school, and even during summers at college, if my parents needed me to take the trash can and recycling bins to the street at night before bed, I had to distract myself. I would quietly sing “Jesus Loves Me” or recite the 23rd psalm. Focusing on God was the only way to stop feeling unsettled.
Being afraid of the dark is not a rational fear, but my physical response to total darkness is one I can’t completely turn off.
My other irrational fears are, dare I say it, more normal?
I’m really freaked out by spiders. Like a lot. I can kill the small ones that keep showing up in our house, but I prefer to make Dan do it. I will shriek and jump away from big spiders. They creep me out so much.
My final irrational fear isn’t entirely my fault. There’s history to it. I didn’t get my driver’s license until halfway through my senior year of high school, much later than all of my peers. I was bullied mercilessly for this, to the point that I burst into tears during AP Calculus and fled to the girls’ bathroom.
This has left me with residual anxiety about driving that will occasionally pop up out of nowhere. I can go months driving, even driving a lot, like between Columbus and Findlay, without any problems and then BAM! I’ll be driving down the road, checking my blind spot to change lanes, and suddenly my body starts tensing up, my breathing becomes erratic, and I panic about driving safely.
I only get through this momentary anxiety by doing something a little counter-intuitive. Instead of hyper-focusing on my driving or being extra-sure my driving is perfect, I sing along to whatever CD is playing (usually Taylor Swift or the Frozen soundtrack). By focusing my mind on music, I can relax and allow my instincts and experience to take over my driving.
So there you have it. I’ve laid my soul bare on the table… er, blog. My family, friends, and potential strangers all know that I’m afraid of the dark, freaked out by spiders, and suffer side effects from adolescent bullying.
I’m 26. I’m afraid of my college degree, of regret that the Parisian wine bar I chose isn’t as awesome as the one down the block, and of marriage. But I’m ok with the dark, spiders, and driving, so I’ve got that going for me 😀
Heh when people ask I generally have a hard time coming up with things I fear. I joke that I don’t have problems with fear, that my problem is the opposite direction–that I’m not afraid of things that should scare me. At least not until too late, at which point I’m already crossing the river on the maintenance catwalk of a train bridge while said train whips by me about two feet away–fear shows up way late too the party and really should have been there about five minutes ago when I was clinging to the metal bars and traversing to the portion of the bridge where there was no longer any barbed wire
But as I said, that’s just a joke, of course I have fears. But in general, my fears are the more troubling kinds
I think that the kinds of fear you describe, not to belittle your feelings of fear (on the contrary, I applaud you for owning them and love your ways of dealing with them) are not the worst kinds of fears. To put fear into the same language as prejudice, a subject with which I know you grapple often: The fears you describe are like the blatant racism or sexism–while it’s awful, especially for the target, those kinds of prejudices can be dealt with and combated as you discuss combating your own fears; The greatest dangers come from the prejudices that lurk beneath the surface–deep feelings that women are weaker or minorities are less trustworthy, convictions that subtly affect a prejudiced person’s entire life without anyone, even the prejudiced person him or herself, knowing they are there
The greatest dangers come from the fears that you don’t think about, don’t see, don’t realize exist at all except for the tiny ways they affect your life. Fear of failure that leads to never trying, fear of discomfort that makes estrangement seem easier, fear of loss that keeps you from striving to obtain
Those are the fears with which I struggle. It’s important to remember that these fears, too, are irrational, and must be fought in the same ways you consciously fight your fears of darkness or spiders or driving. I may tire and drown, but I will not sink
Driving! YES! It’s the worst…glad you’ve found a way to calm your mind with music. I might need to try that myself. And I totally get the afraid of the dark thing. I used to be that way when I was younger (I’m talking sleeping on the floor of my parent’s room just so I wasn’t alone in the dark in case someone wanted to murder me). Thankfully now I’m only afraid of dark closets….HA! No better. 😉
Thanks for linking up, girl!! Always a pleasure having you!
I was just glad to hear I’m not the only otherwise well-adjusted adult who has a fear of driving.
I’m sad to hear the prompted link-ups will be no more, but I hope the return of the “anything goes” link-up will be more successful. I think it’s really cool that you want to experiment with different options, but you’re willing to admit when something new doesn’t work out as planned.
I was always afraid of the dark as a kid, but now it’s only it only comes up when it’s a strange, empty place. Like I won’t go to the basement to do laundry unless it’s during the day, and I don’t like exploring random places (my boyfriend likes abandoned buildings). I’m also ridiculously afraid of heights and being trapped, so when I see the previews of any kind of thriller/survival movies, I just get literally terrified because I imagine what I would do in those situations (hint: die instantly).
When I interned with Kappa Kappa Gamma, we did our laundry in the basement of the office. It is SO freaky down there. There’s even the stereotypical creepy doll in the basement.
My dad and brothers are all afraid of heights, to different degrees.
i get anxious in the dark as well, but i also have to sleep in pitch black! if there is a light or a clock or anything on, i have to cover it up or i can’t sleep! but once the lights go out i’m not reaching my hand off the bed for anything!!
So it’s not just me, then! That’s a relief!
The things kids bully each other for are so weird–I swear, they’ll think of anything. Kids teased me because I didn’t shave my legs when I was a kid (like, 11 years old.) and to this day I prefer to cover my legs.
Staying far, far away from spiders is very rational indeed.
In the 9th grade, I was growing out my leg hair after it was too cold for shorts, like November, so that I could try to wax my legs instead of shave. We still wore shorts in gym class, though, and a girl made fun of me for my hairy legs. I tried to brush it off and be really condescending, you know, make waxing sound really mature and sophisticated, but I was still embarrassed.
I totally get what you mean about the dark, buy I think that’s more fear of the unknown rather than the dark itself.
I hate moving spiders *shudder*
Fear of the unknown, plus fear of my overactive imagination. Like, I know there probably aren’t monsters in the dark… but there COULD be.
I got my license even later then you, in college no less! I was 19, a sophomore, before I could drive! I was never bullied about it, strange that it would matter. A few of my friends had cars in high school, and they would all drive us around. It was fun 🙂 I am afraid of needles and eyeballs (don’t ask). I also get anxiety whenever I am with a strange man that I do not know. I tend to just try to keep my space. We humans fear funny things–some are odd, while others certainly have deeper triggers. Hugs! I have been enjoying your blog 🙂
I’m anxious around strange men, too, especially if I’m alone, but I don’t think that’s an irrational fear. I think that’s a perfectly reasonable response to a history of men sexually assaulting me in public.
I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog. You know I love yours too. ♥
I’m scared of the dark and I’m phobic of snakes. You know what I do to cope? I picture the opening credits for The Golden Girls. It’s my safe and happy place. 🙂
Your safe and happy place is AWESOME.
I really like snakes, though. I would LOVE to have a pet snake, but Dan said no. I think we’re compromising with a leopard gecko.
I can completely identify with what you said about driving. For some reason I get into phases where driving gives me so much anxiety that it’s nearly paralyzing. I do a lot of driving…especially on the I-95 corridor (695, 795, and 495 in particular), but there are times that I just want to pull over and start crying. I also don’t like parking. Especially in parking garages. Ug. Just thinking about it stresses me out. So don’t worry; you are not alone!
Yes on the parking garages! They’re dark, and the radio stops working, and so many cars think they should be going fast, and visibility isn’t great, and it’s just a lot all at once.
While I wouldn’t list it as a fear necessarily, but I do absolutely hate driving at night, which I guess combines both of your fears. I’m fine if I’m a passenger, but just the idea of being alone in a car at night kind of freaks me out.