Better late than never. My response to, “I am Not a Feminist, and That is Okay.”
You are not a feminist. You’re right–that is okay. I have a lot more to do as a feminist than try to argue with everyone who doesn’t like the label. So you’re not a feminist. Fine. Whatever.
But you actually don’t know what you’re talking about. You claim to know what feminists are saying. You claim that you just disagree with us.
You’re half-right. You do disagree with feminists, but not for the reasons you think.
First of all, assuming that we’re definitely in the fourth wave of feminism (there’s not really a consensus), it’s carried over at least one main characteristic of third-wave feminism: individuality. That is to say, both third-wave and fourth-wave feminism value individual feminists deciding for themselves which feminist causes to pursue. You can work on LGBTQ+ rights, intersectional issues, equality in the workplace, reproductive rights–any feminist issue that speaks to you.
But why do you disagree with fourth-wave feminism?
And it is completely okay to choose to stay home and be a mother because that is the hardest job in the world. It is okay to like cooking. It is okay to take care of your husband and children. It is okay to want your boyfriend to ask for your father’s blessing before proposing to you. It is okay to take his last name. Feminists wouldn’t have you believe these things.
To that last sentence that I bolded for emphasis?
Bull-fucking-shit.
Feminists do support women having the choice to be stay-at-home-mothers. There’s an entire website called The Stay at Home Feminist.
My mother was both a SAHM and a feminist.
Feminists do recognize that being a SAHM is hard–but we also recognize that it’s often a privilege.
Feminists are also realistic of the risks women face by opting out of the workforce and being financially dependent upon a spouse. Like only getting temporary, partial alimony when your spouse divorces you after you sacrificed your career.
Yes, it’s okay to like cooking. It’s not okay to only teach daughters to cook and not sons. My younger brother is a way better cook than I am. It’s okay to like cooking and decide with your partner to take on most of the cooking at home. It’s not okay to assume the woman will do all the cooking just because she’s a woman.
It’s okay for a woman to take care of her husband and their children. It’s also okay for a woman to take care of her wife and their children. It’s also okay for a man to take care of his wife and their kids. It’s also okay for a man to take care of his husband and their kids.
It’s okay for a woman not to have any kids. It’s okay for two spouses to split parenting duties in the best way that works for them.
It’s not okay not to give women choices about marriage, about children, about division of household labor.
It’s okay if you want your boyfriend to ask your father for his blessing before he proposes. It’s equally okay to tell him that if he does that, you’ll say no when he proposes. (True story–I told Dan that if he asked for my dad’s permission to marry me, I would say no).
Yes, you can change your name when you get married. The vast majority of American women already do that, and I can GUARANTEE that I get way more shit from them about keeping my name than they get shit for changing their names.
Basically, you are arguing against a straw feminist. I’m sure you can find feminists who will spout off the same nonsense as you, but most of us agree with everything I just wrote.
That said, your next paragraphs are actually why you’re not a feminist.
But listen carefully when I say that you are not called to submit to any man but your husband. You don’t submit to your boss. You don’t submit to your boyfriend. You don’t submit to your brother. You don’t submit to any man that you are not married to.
And women are not lower than men. I will agree with feminists on that. I believe that God loves me equally to how he loves the man that I will marry. But I do believe that the man is the head of the household. The man is to be the provider, protector, and leader of his family.
Uhhh…
It’s cool for you to choose to submit to your husband. It’s also cool to decide that your husband is the head of the household. But those are choices for you to make with your spouse. They are not universal truths for all people to follow.
First of all, not everyone is a Christian. (My husband is not a Christian, and that is okay). Second of all, as a Christian feminist, I disagree with everything you just said, except that women are not lower than men.
I have an egalitarian marriage. I believe in mutual submission.
That is a lot of pressure. And I don’t understand why feminists want to take it on. Why would you want that? God did make women as fragile beings. But He also made us as strong beings. As capable beings. And while you are in your period of singleness, it is okay to be independent. But when you get married, you don’t have to be. And that is thought of as a bad thing, when really, it is a gift. It is a weight lifted to have a husband you can lean on.
You’re right. Forcing one person, regardless of the talents that God actually gave him, to be “the provider, protector, and leader of his family,” is a lot of pressure. That’s why sharing those responsibilities is such a great alternative.
My husband and I make decisions together. Sometimes I give him the responsibility for a decision if he has more knowledge in that area, or if he cares more about the outcome. Sometimes he gives me the responsibility for a decision for the same reasons.
Maybe not all women want that responsibility. Some are single mothers and have no choice. Others might choose to let their spouse be the head of the household.
But some women relish that role. Some women thrive as the head of the household. Preventing them from using their God-given talents in order to fulfill antiquated gender roles is absolutely anti-feminist.
I’m a feminist, and I love leaning on my husband. But he also leans on me. We support each other. Sometimes I need more support. Sometimes he leans more on me. That’s our partnership. That’s our egalitarian marriage.
So you’re right about one thing. You’re not a feminist.
And if you had kept your personal choices personal, instead of stating them as universal truths, it would be okay. In fact, your personal choices are largely supported by feminists, even if those choices are not “feminist” in and of themselves. Furthermore, most of us really don’t care if you call yourself a feminist or not.
But instead, you wrote against a fourth-wave feminism that doesn’t exist to prove what’s wrong with feminism. And then you laid out rigid gender roles for heterosexual cisgender men and women to follow, as though there’s only one right way to live.
No matter what you call yourself, that’s not okay.
If this response resonated with you, please use the share buttons below!
This frustrates me as well. Today’s feminism is about freedom of choice and recognizing that there is no one right way to be a woman. I sent you a message, hope you received it.
Exactly! There are so many ways to be a woman, just like there are so many ways to be a feminist.
How did you send the message? I checked Twitter, Facebook, and my email, but nothing has popped up yet.
My favourite part about her post: “God did make women as fragile beings”. A million facepalms. I mean, it’s not like women were created by God to rescue man from sad loneliness or anything.
I know, right?! I don’t really feel all that fragile, thankyouverymuch. Also God created all of us, male and female, in Her image. So is God fragile?
That article was tough to read – I really dislike that feminism in general has such a stigma attached to it. Of course I don’t agree with every single argument brought forward by every single woman who considers herself a feminist, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist myself. There are many ways to celebrate being a woman, and if your way is to stay at home and raise your children, good for you! My way is a little different and that’s okay because it was my choice. Excellent response, Brita!
Kalyn | Geez Louise Blog
It drives me crazy that people on the fence about feminism let the movement be defined by misogynists, MRAs, and anti-feminists. Like I don’t really care if you want to call yourself a feminist or not, but at least be intellectually honest regarding feminism as a whole.
“And if you had kept your personal choices personal, instead of stating them as universal truths, it would be okay.”
I’d be interested in hearing why you prefer she (the writer of the article linked at the top) keep her personal choices personal when your blog is about stating your personal opinions/choices. All personal blogs share the writers personal choices. Is it because she wrote as if they’re universal truths? I would consider most of your posts to be written as blanket (universal) statements.
The easiest way I can explain this is with two examples. Compare the following paragraphs (both of which I’m writing just as examples).
I can’t wait to change my last name when I get married! I’ve always dreamed of being a Mrs. Is it bad that I’ve already started ordering stuff with my new monogram? For me, sharing a last name is a symbol of our family unit. I can’t wait to be The Smiths!
vs.
Women dream of changing their last names one day. Little girls all love to doodle out Mrs. Justin Bieber or the name of their schoolgirl crush. Changing your name has nothing to do with sexism; it’s just a loving tradition! Sharing a name is the only way to tell the world your family is a unit.
Do you see the difference? The first paragraph is how I try to write, although certainly I also state facts, with links to sources, when applicable. The second paragraph is how the original author wrote.
I would also appreciate if you could link to any of posts in which I write personal opinions/choices as universal truths. I try very hard to avoid that by presenting multiple options, or by using “I” statements instead of “we” or “women.”
I found a few during a very quick search of personal opinions as universal truths-
“But if all you ever post is perfect, branded photos with impersonal captions, you’re building a wall between you and your followers.” (I know people who love instagram because of the perfect photos. They love to see the beautiful in perfectly placed flowers and meals. Saying your life is always perfect and beautiful is a unrealistic and do I agree that *that* can build a wall, but the blanket statement that perfect, branded photos are building a wall is what I was talking about in my original comment.)
“Modesty Culture is NOT an individual’s choice to wear modest clothing according to their own convictions or comfort level.” (Not true. I CHOOSE to wear modest clothing according to MY OWN convictions and comfort level.)
I won’t link to all the posts on marriage or why a woman shouldn’t feel pressured to take her husband’s last name. For what it’s worth, I have NEVER been told or heard that changing my last name to my husband’s when we married (which I did) was “the only way to tell the world my family is a unit.” I have friends and family who choose to keep their maiden name or hyphenated the combined last names so I’m not ignorant to the fact that some women do not take the husband’s last name. That was their choice and I made mine to become Mrs. _______. You said on September 4th 2014 it’s sexist to ask when you and your husband are having children. Another statement that comes across as a blanket. I think that’s more of a personal issue than a sexist issue. I’ve been asked that a hundred times and it’s never come across as sexist. Many people don’t mind being asked that and some do. Does that mean we should never ask a couple any questions that might possibly be too personal? Never ask them if they’re going to buy a house because it might hurt their feelings? Children are a HUGE part of a couple’s life, whether a couple married or not.
As I originally said, I’m not saying you shouldn’t state what you believe. It’s your blog! My comment was made more because in the many months I’ve been reading your blog I have noticed many blanket statements.
I thank you for taking the time out to read my blog, and for sharing your opinions. Please don’t take this response as defensive or dismissive, as tone is hard to convey in writing.
Yes, I use blanket statements when I refer to facts on feminism. I minored in WGS, and I’ve read hundreds of articles and dozens of published studies on feminist issues since graduating in 2009, not to mention many books. I do extensive research before every single blog post I publish on feminism, taking into consideration diverse perspectives within feminism. I probably read twice as many articles as I end up citing, choosing to cite a variety of opinions and sources instead of repeating too much of either. While I still have much to learn, and thus wouldn’t call myself an expert yet, I am an authoritative source.
In regards to your individual points, I have broken them down for simplicity.
1) The quote on IG is from a post called, “Why I Unfollowed You on Instagram.” Yes, I then further explained each of the reasons why I choose to unfollow people on Instagram. Considering the overall tone of the piece was framed as why I, personally, take certain actions on social media, I didn’t feel the need to preface every single statement with, “IMHO.”
2) The personal decision to wear modest clothing has nothing to do with Modesty Culture. Let me quote from that post for anyone else reading this reply.
“-In a Modesty Culture, girls and women are expected to dress in such a way that boys and men will not be distracted by their clothing.
-In a Modesty Culture, if a boy or man lusts after a girl or woman, she shares in that sin because of her choice in clothing.
-In a Modesty Culture, if a boy or man sexually harasses a girl or woman, it’s partly her fault for dressing a certain way.
-In a Modesty Culture, if a boy or man sexually assaults a girl or woman, she could have prevented her assault by dressing more modestly.
Modesty Culture is NOT an individual’s choice to wear modest clothing according to their own convictions or comfort level. Nor is it necessarily related to professional dress codes or school dress codes (although it can be).”
In other words, Modesty Culture /=/ anyone’s personal decision to wear clothing they deem modest. You can totally choose to wear whatever you want. That choice is irrelevant to Modesty Culture.
Furthermore, in that blog post, I included more than a dozen links to outside sources to support my writing.
3) I’m not surprised that since you decided to join about 80% of married American women in changing your name, you haven’t heard the long list of rude, condescending, and judgmental remarks often made to those of us who keep our birth surnames upon marriage. These comments rarely come up if a woman decides to change her name. Occasionally a feminist writer like Jill Filipovic will write a cringe-worthy piece judging women who change their names, but a good dozen or so other feminists will write a scathing response on why the name change decision is complicated.
In my satirical piece, I wrote outside of the satire, “Think this post is ridiculous? Change around the genders, and EVERY point I wrote here is something men have said to me or to other women who kept their last name when they got married. In fact, my very first troll made several of these remarks just a few months into my blog.”
That is to say, I was sharing my experiences.
4) Even if you personally don’t mind being asked when you’re having children, it’s still a sexist question to ask. As I’ve stated before, sexism doesn’t have to have a place of ill intent. I’m sure when people ask this question, they’re not intending to be sexist. Furthermore, how a person responds to or feels about sexism doesn’t mean the sexism doesn’t exist.
First of all, the phrasing is almost always “WHEN” and not “IF,” with the underlying assumption that all married women plan to have kids. (Gendered assumptions are sexist). Children are a huge part of a couple’s life, IF they decide to have them and IF they don’t face infertility issues.
Second of all, it’s a highly personal decision of a frankly intimate nature. I mean, you’re basically asking a couple if they’re regularly having unprotected sex.
This article gives some great examples of why you shouldn’t ask a couple when they’re having children. http://www.bustle.com/articles/113795-emily-binghams-fake-ultrasound-photo-reminds-the-world-that-a-womans-fertility-is-none-of-your
Let me know if you have any further questions!
Lol maybe you’re just annoyed that her post provoked hundreds of comments and yours won’t
ok
From the article being responded to: “How could you not be nurturing after carrying a child inside of you for nine months?”
Women who suffer from postpartum depression, instead of feeling all nurturing immediately, should not be shamed for it.
That’s an excellent point, and I’m glad you added that.
I wasn’t sure which direction to take to critique that line–I was looking at child-free women, women forced to carry a pregnancy via rape, and women who regretted motherhood. I ended up overwhelmed by the potential responses, so I just skipped to critiquing her ideas of “nurturing.”
Excellent response, Brita! I hoped you’d write one.
There are so many good nuggets here. I’ll definitely be sharing your post. I really appreciated you pointing out these strict gender roles the author presents as the best way or only way to live. As if everyone is in a heterosexual Christian union.
Thank you so much! I know that some people can be very happy within those gender roles, but they’re hardly ideal for everyone.
I hate when people write thinkpieces on why they’re not feminists, but then dance around the fact that they’re totally sexist and – gasp! – that’s ACTUALLY why they don’t like the word. Like, stop trying to position yourself as thoughtful, just come right out and say you don’t believe in gender equality.
Better late than never is right 🙂 I have so many drafts that are really just responses to articles…and maybe someday I’ll finish one of them…
Off topic but I know you’ll appreciate this: I’ve been meaning to do so for a while, but I’m finally falling down the rabbit hole that is A Bra That Fits on Reddit.
I think I love you. Your bluntness is perfection. Please stop trying to tell us that your twisted definition of feminism is why you’re not a feminist, especially when your utter disregard for equality is the actual reason why.
Yeah, I know I could get better traction by writing responses within 24 hours, but who has time for that? I even published a response a few years later, which I’d initially written and shared privately before starting Belle Brita.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! ABTF is the best ever!!!!!!!!!!!
“Feminist” is a word gaining more controversies lately. To be a feminist is to fight for equality for me. Meaning that what privileges men receive women should also be receiving. Whether you’re a man or woman but you are against discrimination in any way, then I guess that’s feminism.
Great, thought-provoking post.
I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the apparently exclusive claims of Christianity: That Jesus was the only son of God. That He is “the way and the truth and the life”, not merely a way or a truth. That no one comes to God except through Him. That the tidings of the Gospel shall be to all people. That Christians are called to go into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature, for those who believe and are baptized shall be saved, while those who do not believe are damned. I’m sure you can think of more such verses and doctrines.
They seem pretty pervasive, pretty deeply enmeshed with the rest of the ideas and stories. I could never see how to remove them without losing some of the heart of the religion. I don’t think Christianity teaches that believers ought to be intolerant or coercive toward people who don’t believe. Or at least it doesn’t have to. But at the end of the day, being a non-believer doesn’t seem to actually be ok according to Christianity, unless the doctrine is stretched a bit further than it can go without tearing.
Short answer: My senior year at Furman, I took an amazing course pass/fail called Feminist Biblical Interpretation. The books and articles I read during that course (which I often skimmed, since my other three classes were all in my major) changed pretty much my entire perspective on Christianity.
Two general areas largely affected this change. 1) Learning about the history of early Christianity itself 2) Learning about the history of the biblical texts
I know you are going to be simply SHOCKED to discover this, but patriarchal attitudes about women, children, & slaves, political compromises, and desire for power all influenced both changes in the early Church and the selection of biblical canon.
And once you start questioning the origin of the Bible, you question everything within it. But I just can’t shake my deeply-held faith, even as I analyze and critique all the words around it.
Long answer: However, that was 2008, and it’s now 2017. Hence the short answer, completely devoid of quotations and citations because providing those would require a few hours of digging through my textbooks (which are packed away in boxes in a storage unit) and the Internet.
I would genuinely love to revisit this question, because I greatly enjoy thoughtful and critical discussions of faith and religion. However, my husband and I just closed on our first house on Thursday, which means that the foreseeable future of the next 3 months or so is cleaning, unpacking, decorating, and finally starting a garden not in containers.