Compromise as a Mutual Decision, Not as a Self-Sacrifice

I’m basically never going to stop reminding people that my last name is, and always will be, Long.

I’m also never going to stop advocating for both men and women to have the freedom to make their own decisions regarding their names. This is not exclusive to name changes upon marriage, although that is when the conversation pops up most frequently. Nor is this exclusive to last names, particularly since transgender individuals often choose their own names as part of the transition process.

What I do not advocate, however, is the idea that it’s reasonable to require another person to change their name, especially when you yourself will not change your name.

That is not compromise.

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Compromise is absolutely a critical part of healthy, happy relationships.

But compromise is a mutual decision between two or more people.

Compromise is NOT one person giving up everything while the other person gives up nothing.

Dan and I have compromised plenty in our relationship, both prior to marriage and within marriage. Below are just a few examples of the compromises we have made.

• I was ready for an engagement a full year before Dan proposed, but I waited for him to be ready to marry me. That said, he had a very reasonable deadline (December 2014) for a proposal before I moved back to France. I was willing to wait… but not indefinitely.
• I moved to Findlay, Ohio when we got married, where I did not want to live, and Dan agreed that we would not live there forever. When Dan started applying to jobs, he only applied to places where we both wanted to live.
• Dan would be fine going to bed at 9pm every night; I would be happy stay up until 11pm (or later!) every night. Most nights, we both go to bed between 9:30pm and 10:30pm.

Compromises are not limited to romantic relationships either. If you’ve ever done a group project for school, then you’ve probably had to compromise. I know that with my past roommates, we came up with compromises for cleaning schedules, grocery-shopping, visitors, and more.

Compromises are expected in almost any relationship. Not every individual compromise is a perfect even split, but in a loving, healthy relationship, both/all people compromise in similar quantities overall.

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You know what is not a compromise?

Forcing a sacrifice out of someone else, while offering nothing in exchange.

In fact, that sort of relationship is dysfunctional at best, and abusive at worst.

Note: some of the following has been crowd-sourced (marked CS), but my friends who helped me wanted to remain anonymous.

Consider the following examples:

• Forcing a pregnant girlfriend to have an abortion
• Forcing a pregnant teenager to continue with an unwanted pregnancy
• Making every single parenting decision for your children without ever consulting your spouse, or the other parent
• Insisting your children hug or kiss a relative when they are uncomfortable doing so
• Inviting frequent overnight guests to your apartment without ever consulting your roommates first
• Making all financial decisions for your family, without discussing them with your significant other
• Refusing to call an individual by their preferred name
• Insisting upon constant agreement as a condition for friendship (CS)

Does any of that sound like compromise?

So why do we accept comparable situations, but between a husband and a wife, as compromises?

For the record, I’m not saying that a husband and wife both voluntarily choosing to take on traditional gender roles is wrong or abusive or even anti-feminist.

I’m saying that forcing your spouse into that traditional role, regardless of his or her feelings, is wrong, and a far cry from a healthy compromise.

Asking your spouse to make all career sacrifices, while you make none?

Not a compromise.

Expecting your spouse to have sex with you whenever you want, regardless of how your spouse feels at the moment?

Not a compromise.

Demanding your spouse be the sole breadwinner, even though you both have equal earning potential, and your spouse doesn’t want that pressure?

Not a compromise.

Guilting your spouse into taking your last name, when your spouse doesn’t want to, while you don’t change your name?

Not a compromise.

Unilaterally making all decisions about when and how to spend time together? (CS)

Not a compromise.

One person always apologizing, even for small and insignificant things? (CS)

Not a compromise. 

Not letting your significant other spend time with friends of the opposite sex, because you have jealousy issues? (CS)

Not a compromise.

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I have been so warped by the parading of these unequal scenarios as normal in marriage that even with all my feminist knowledge, I started to doubt my convictions. A few weeks ago, after I saw multiple people respond to my satire with supposed “compromises,” I had the following conversation with Dan.

Me: I would like your opinion on something. And before I ask, this is not a trick question. I want you to answer honestly–don’t say what you think I want you to say.

Dan: Okay.

Me: If it had been important to you for us to share a last name, what different options would you have suggested?

Dan: I probably would have suggested a portmanteau first, like Flong or something else. If that didn’t work, a hyphenated name would be a good compromise.

Me: So those are the only two compromises you can think of? If I still had my feelings about keeping my last name, but you wanted us to share a name?

Dan: Yeah.

Me: So you don’t think it’s a compromise if I had taken your last name and made Long my middle name, with you keeping your name exactly the same?

Dan: What?! How is that a compromise?!

I married a winner, y’all!

That scenario–woman wants to keep her last name, man wants her to change her name, so the woman changes her name–was offered to me as a “compromise” by so many otherwise intelligent and compassionate people.

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And of course, that one scenario prompted me to research others, leading to this blog post.

Just because a certain arrangement works for another relationship DOES NOT MEAN you can demand that arrangement in your own relationship.

It is NOT OKAY for one person to make all decisions in a relationship and control the other person. If you want to go down the whole wifely submission route, then both partners need to have that conversation prior to an engagement, and both partners need to agree upon what that means.

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How to Evaluate Compromise

How do you know if your compromises are healthy or dysfunctional?

There’s not a perfect evaluation, but you can ask yourself a few questions.

How do I feel about the compromise? Happy, satisfied, complacent, respected? Or unhappy, resentful, stressed? You’re not going to love every compromise you make in a relationship, but you should feel at least okay about it.

Am I compromising what I want, or whom I am? Sometimes you need to compromise on what you want, but you should never compromise your integrity.

How does this compromise work with our goals as a couple? How does it match your personal goals? Your spouse’s personal goals? Compromise should move you two forward, whether that be in terms of career, family, personal growth, or something else.

How does this compromise compare to other past or recent compromises? If you’re always the one giving in, or giving up more, that’s a sign of an unequal relationship. If you both routinely come to a fair decision together, then giving in just once might be a necessary sacrifice on your behalf.

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Now I want to hear from you! How does compromise work in your relationships (romantic, platonic, familial)? What advice would you give to young people learning how to compromise in their first romantic relationships?