I’d like to extend a special shoutout to all the misogynists who troll the comment sections of basically every article about women keeping their last names upon marriage. Their stupidity inspired today’s satire.
My husband and I do not share a last name. We might joke about being the Flongs, but his last name is Fleck, and mine is Long.
When Dan told me he didn’t plan on taking my last name, I felt like less of a woman. My femininity is completely wrapped up in his last name. When we’re out with friends and family, and someone calls him Mr. Long, he corrects them, and I feel embarrassed. Do they think he wears the skirt in our marriage because he didn’t take my last name?
I know Dan loves me, but sometimes I worry he’s not committed to our marriage. Since he didn’t change his name when we got married, it will be easier for him to resume his bachelor status if he decided to divorce me.
I’ve always considered a name change at marriage as a symbol of marital vows. Never mind all the stuff we said about staying together and loving each other for better or for worse. The vows we made before God and our families have considerably less significance than his decision to retain his bachelor name.
So what if we’ve combined our finances, and moved in together, and made life-changing decisions as a couple? As long as he goes by “Fleck” instead of “Long,” I’ll always doubt his commitment to our marriage.
Related: The Question No One Asks My Husband
I feel like I’ll always be second to my mother-in-law. I mean, Dan’s decision to keep her last name instead of taking mine is like he’s choosing her over me. It’s his mom’s last name, so he still has a woman’s last name regardless. Everyone knows that a boy’s last name is just temporary. When a girl is born, and her parents write out her full name on her birth certificate, that is her name for life. I don’t know why hospitals don’t just use pencil for a boy’s last name, since it really belongs to his mom and not him, and he’s supposed to change it at marriage anyways.
If the name “Fleck” is that important to Dan, I don’t know why he couldn’t just take it as his middle name and add Long as his last name. It’s not like his middle name has any family significance. Who cares if he’s named for his godfather, his Uncle Jim? Naming traditions don’t really mean anything to men.
And don’t even suggest that we should have hyphenated our two names. If I had a hyphenated last name, everyone would think I’m not woman enough to control my husband. Clearly what strangers think about my marriage is the most important factor to consider when making decisions.
At least any kids of ours will have my last name. As a woman, it’s a biological need of mine to create offspring and have them tied to me with a shared last name. I don’t really know how Dan will feel connected to our kids since the only really important part of being a family is a shared last name, but he should have thought about that when he refused to take my name.
But what can I say? I love him, so I was willing to compromise on his last name. He’s just lucky that wasn’t a deal-breaker for me. Obviously it’s completely reasonable for a woman to give such an ultimatum to her fiancé. It’s not at all abusive or sexist or ridiculous to tell a man he must change his last name or the wedding is off.
Think this post is ridiculous? Change around the genders, and EVERY point I wrote here is something men have said to me or to other women who kept their last name when they got married. In fact, my very first troll made several of these remarks just a few months into my blog. If you think sexism has been eradicated, just try doing something a little outside the norm, and see how quickly you get attacked, especially under the guise of “tradition.”
THIS is why I need feminism. Because a shockingly high number of people think their opinion should affect the very personal choice of keeping or changing ones name. Because an American study in 2009 revealed that 70% of respondents thought women should take their husband’s last name and a full 50% of respondents thought it should be a legal mandate for women to change their last name upon marriage. Because no matter how benign your intentions, it is still sexist to assume that in a heterosexual marriage, a woman will take her husband’s last name.
Signed,
Brita Marie Long, forever and always
Linking up with Kiersten and Kelly for the F-Word and Meg and Macy for Wedding Wednesday! What are your thoughts on naming traditions? What’s the most ridiculously sexist remark you’ve heard about last names? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Edit 02/09/2015: My best friend Bethany pointed out I quoted the survey statistic incorrectly. I’ve updated it.
Update 03/07/2015: Before commenting, you might want to read “What I Learned from Posting Satire on the Internet.”
Very, very clever way of presenting this topic! I stayed me when I got married…meaning I kept my last name. I support everyone’s personal decision in this matter, but I think it should be a “decision” and not just a “given” to change the name due to societal norms.
I have friends who aren’t married and never plan to be, but they have a child. His last name is Ragg; hers is Huston; their daughter’s is Raggston which I think is brilliant. For them. I’m not saying everyone should do this, but it works brilliantly for them.
Absolutely, it should be a decision, not an assumption. And it should be a freely-made decision, not one made out due to overwhelming pressure. I’ve heard more than one story of women who gave into their in-laws’ guilt trips, unfortunately.
Dan and I are already brainstorming name melds for any future kids. I like the name Raggston! That’s a very creative solution.
If I may be so bold, I think I’ve come up with a fairly neat and tidy solution for naming children. I tend to think people should do a 50/50 split, boys would take the last name of the mother, girls would take the last name of the father. There’s a little bit of poetry in this naming convention too. Boys have a direct genetic link to their father (and their father’s father ad infinitum) in the form of their Y-Chromosome, while girls have a direct link to their mother and their matrilineage in the form of their Mitochondrial DNA. Thus, it follows that the child without a direct genetic link to either parent (beyond sharing 50% of the same DNA of course) would take the name of said parent. Tell me if you think it’s silly, but I think it’s a pretty good solution. Certainly better than hyphenated names which are exponentially growing monstrosities.
All children inherit their mitochondrial DNA from their mothers (boys and girls). Nonetheless this is an interesting way to do it–and challenges the boundaries of gender by mixing it up names between them. 🙂
You’re totally right. I was hoping no one would call me on that; it’s a little more perfect if you ignore that one little piece of information.
Hun and I don’t share a last name either but that’s largely because we’re not legally married (an entirely other story about expectations and society there). Anyway, when we originally got together and decided this would be our family, I was intent on hyphenating my last name. I thought of it as a joining thing and my last name as part of my identity, not just as an individual, but also as a professional. At first, he resisted, but later accepted my viewpoints and opinion and that was that.
Interestingly enough, probably about 6 or so months ago, I randomly announced that though I’d still like to keep my last name, it certainly was no longer a thing and that I might just take his whenever we decide to ask the powers that be for permission to marry and create a family.
In other words, I think it is a decision and not a mandate and that we should all (men and women alike) make active choices in our lives. 🙂
I am all about active choices, made for ourselves, not because of outside pressure or guilt trips.
Love the whole “Flong” thing. It makes me thing of a thong made out of feathers… 😛
I don’t have a problem with women not changing their name. I don’t have a problem with women who do change their name. I happen to be in the latter category and have actually found myself being derided by feminists for “not standing up to the man” by keeping my last name. Ridicule on either side is, well, ridiculous. And offensive. It’s a personal decision, and even if I were to have a problem with it (which I don’t), what gives me the right to put someone down for their convictions?
A thong made out of feathers sounds really uncomfortable!
I’m sorry that some feminists have directly told you that. The vast majority of feminists support a woman’s choice to keep or change her last name. In fact, when a post went out a year or two ago by Jill Filipovic on the topic, she received a HUGE backlash from the feminist community. I’m pretty sure I read a good dozen responses that critiqued her post. While some of her points were valid, her tone was really condescending towards women who changed their last names, hence the backlash.
But considering a whopping 90% of American women change their last names, I don’t really think you need to worry too much about being judged for your choice. And you don’t get to spend your entire marriage correcting people about your name. I’ve been married less than a year, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been addressed incorrectly. (Dan’s been called Mr. Long only once so far).
This is such a cool new way to think and way different than the way our parents and grand parents did it. We are so much more in touch with being true to ourselves and ourselves only, and not letting men give share their name. Thanks for sharing thiS! First, I was like, omg is she for real about her husband not taking her name? Finally, I thought….wait a minute this is satire, so good! Keep fighting this super important battle!
Brita, I LOVE this!!! Thanks so much for linking up with us this week. I cannot wait to share this with my friends!
I’m so glad! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
I told my husband I put my last name on the marriage paperwork , because he couldn’t go with me that day! He was not impressed with me, but I was only joking with him. That goes right along with what you are saying.
Your satire is totally on point. I’m not really sure why people feel the need to remark upon a couple’s personal decisions, whether it’s about their names, the decision to have children, or what have you. Especially with older generations. I had the excruciating experience a couple years ago when I had mentioned in passing that I’d never change my name since my name will be on both the bachelor’s and master’s degrees I’ll hold – and my boyfriend’s mother (my boyfriend to whom I wasn’t engaged) spent about 10 minutes trying to convince me otherwise. We don’t really have a society (in America, at least) where marriage symbolizes the passing of a woman as a piece of property from her father to her husband, so it really should be something a couple decides together.
Part of me can’t wait to be an old person and run my mouth on decisions that don’t affect me. The rest of me plans on being too awesome in my old age to worry about young folks doing stuff I don’t like.
Rock on with your bachelor’s and master’s. I totally understand wanting to keep the same name that recognizes a huge accomplishment!
I only disagree that a last name is a couple’s decision. My last name is my last name. I love my husband, but he has no say over my last name. I agree that it’s valid to listen to your partner’s feelings, to have a conversation about it, but it is 100% an individual decision to do anything to your name.
I love this! All of these thoughts sound completely ridiculous coming from a woman and really (now having hear it from the other side) sound completely ridiculous from a man!
Exactly! Too often we think pretty sexist stuff is “normal.” Flipping the viewpoint helps us realize how ridiculous those thoughts can be.
This really a different perspective on marital name changes you have shared on Oh My Heartsie Girls WW this week!
Thanks for linking up!!!
Have a great week!
Karren
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Girl, yes. I am cosigning everything about this post. I hate when women say feminism is dead or it’s done it’s job. Uhhhh… in what way exactly? We have a LONG way to go!
I know! We’ve done so much, but there’s a lot left to do.
This is great! Thanks for sharing at OMHG WW 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Hah! I love this post! My mom kept her last name when she and my dad got married (and actually gave it to me as a middle name), and I’m pretty sure I’ll keep my name when I get married. I love my last name and can’t really imagine changing that piece of my identity. I remember a couple years ago, hearing about a couple where they wanted him to take her last name because she was the only child in her family – the name was going to end with her. They wanted any children they may have had to have her last name, and so he was going to take her name. The whole thing got brought to court though and they were literally told they couldn’t do that – that either she had to take his name, or nothing. It was ridiculous!
I think it’s so cool you have both your parents’ last names. I think I’ve convinced Dan of giving a future kid my mom’s maiden name as a middle name.
I feel the same way about my last name. I know “Long” isn’t especially unique or anything, but Brita Long (and Brita Marie Long) has such a nice ring to it. Plus, there’s a galaxy called Brita Long. True story. Not just a star–a whole galaxy. Why would I give that up?!
I actually wanted Dan to take my last name not for any of the satirical points of this post, but so that we could sue the state of Ohio for gender discrimination and become part of a landmark case. The laws on marital name changes vary from state to state. In Ohio, a man can change his last name upon marriage, but it’s just like any legal name change, with a lot of fees and paperwork. It’s much easier (and free, I think) for a woman to change her last name when she gets married.
Interesting take on the subject! I took my husband’s last name because I think it’s just another way to show we are a team and covenanted together now. Does that mean you guys aren’t a team because you don’t have the same last name? Of course not! It’s just your preference, so be it. It’s not a battle or argument that’s worth fighting to me. 🙂
This is wonderful! But basically, I laughed out loud the whole time. But it really rung true for me! My mom didn’t give up her last name when she married my dad, and my last name is hyphenated. It’s really cool! But people ask me if I’m going to “give up” my name when I get married. I hate the way that it’s phrased… give up… like I”m giving up a part of myself or something. It really should be up to the couple! I had a teacher in high school who didn’t give up her name, but she used her name as the middle name for her kids. Granted, my mom’s last name is really difficult to make into a pretty middle name, but the hyphenated name works for me!
A very fabulous and thought-provoking post. I love the spin you put on this.
I took my husband’s name, mostly because I disliked mine. It’s hard to pronounce and frustrated me through my entire school career.
Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.
Wishing you a lovely weekend.
xoxo
I love the twist you put on this post! It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that, and thinking about it now. It sounds ridiculous when you switch genders too. I took my husbands last name; I had never really thought of not taking it.
Thanks for linking up with the Saturday Spotlight this week!!! Xo
HAHAHAH I kind of wanted to punch you before I got to the bottom. Well played and great way to approach this issue!
Stopping by from the #ffOneThing link up 🙂 What an awesome way to make your point! I love this <3 I did choose to take my husband's last name, but he didn't care either way. My reasons were very personal to me. Just as it is a personal choice for anyone… Commitments are so much more than a name. I am sharing this, people everywhere need to read this!
I love this so much! I did take my husband’s last name, but it was a really hard choice for me and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I didn’t want my husband to think I didn’t love him for having reservations, and I didn’t want others to think I was a bad wife either. I’m glad more women are getting more vocal about this so that future women don’t have to sit at the social security office having a meltdown over changing their name. 🙂
I love this! A great way to approach this subject. Funny but SO true.
Thanks so much for sharing this article over at the Ladies Collective Linkup. Sure hope you’ll come back this Wednesday and share what else you’ve been working on!
Stephanie @ http://www.mommyzoid.ca
I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting!
I love your unique take on this post and way of expressing your opinion! I completely agree with you. I didn’t want to take my husband’s last name and he didn’t want to take mine, so we actually created a brand new last name and both changed ours! We were originally going to keep two separate last names, but we didn’t know which last name to give our (future) kids so we decided to have a common name, instead. It drives me crazy that people expect the woman to change her last name when she gets married without even questioning it!
Great job on the post 🙂
Lisa | Two Martinis
It’s so cool that y’all combined your names! I think that’s a very creative solution.
It also (obviously) drives me crazy when people make that assumption.
Thanks for commenting!
Haha, I had no idea we had the same thought for this latest prompt! I love your take on it – that beginning part literally made me LOL.
Thanks! I had a lot of fun writing it!
HAH! Oh my gosh, in the beginning I was all like “what is going on” then I realized what you were doing! I love it and it’s all so true, it’s ridiculous that women are expected to take their husband’s last name. I took mine but not because I had to, I truly loved his last name more than my maiden name so I happily obliged haha!
Thanks for linking up on the Saturday Spotlight this week! Hope to see you back again! xo
Yeah, I figured both my intro and conclusion should make it clear it was satire, just to be on the safe side. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
To each his/her own: change your name, don’t change your name, or put them together to make a new name. I’ve known couples that have done all of these, and one where the husband changed his last name to his wife’s (mostly because he had a dysfunctional relationship with his father and didn’t really care for all the baggage the name carried with it.)
#letsbefriends
Exactly!
Well. I may just love you now. At first I was like “NO F%^$& WAY THIS WOMAN IS OFF HER GOURD AND NEEDS TO HAVE THE CIVIL RIGHTS SLAPPED INTO HER” then I climbed down off the arch over the bar, calmed down and proceeded to read the rest. Holy Cow! LOVE IT! I am married but we kept our separate last names …because I LIKE MY LAST NAME. It also Flows beautifully with my first and second name where as when I tack his name on….it just doesn’t flow as well. Found you on Hump Day Happenings! Subscribing!
As I read this, I am sure I must have set my colleagues to pondering what had me so amused. Good satire is always enjoyable, but this piece also managed to elicit a personal feeling of irony from me. You see, when my wife and I decided to marry, I completely changed my name then took that new name and combined it with hers. This was 3 years ago. Eventually I suppose I will manage to have all my mail, emails, documents, social media accounts, bills, loan papers, credit cards, government credentials, grant forms, and publications changed to reflect my new name and will stop receiving solicitations for me under my patriarchal name. Ah, to dream.
I’m glad to hear my satire was on point! Dowd-Arrow is a very nice name, IMHO, but you probably already knew that. 😉
Beautiful! I love it!
Great blog 🙂 Whether or not to take a spouses last name a is a choice either partner can make. I’ve personally never liked my last name and pending the circumstance wouldn’t mind taking a new last name if I got married. But I also 100% understand and support the many women who choose not to. Nice points throughout – and I really like the idea of a blended surname!
Best article ever. Thank you.
Really appreciated this article! I have not made up my mind whether I will change mine. As an Asian marrying an American, I value my last name deeply as part of my identity, and my husband is extremely supportive of my decision. He has put zero pressure on me to change my name and verified that he will be absolutely fine if I never do. When Disney got our honeymoon booked under my last name instead of his, because I used my credit card to make the booking, he said “I’m just as much a *my-last-name* as you are a *his-last-name*, so it doesn’t matter, lovely.” Sweetest thing he’s ever said 🙂
Really appreciated this article! I have not made up my mind whether I will change mine. As an Asian marrying an American, I value my last name deeply as part of my identity, and my husband is extremely supportive of my decision. He has put zero pressure on me to change my name and verified that he will be absolutely fine if I never do. When Disney got our honeymoon booked under my last name instead of his, because I used my credit card to make the booking, he said “I’m just as much a *my-last-name* as you are a *his-last-name*, so it doesn’t matter, lovely.” Sweetest thing he’s ever said 🙂
That is a sweet perspective on it!
Just FYI, you initially posted as Guest. I deleted it to avoid a double post, but you received 11 upvotes for it! 🙂
Discovered you via the Huff Post, and just wanted to let you know how much I LOVE this article! My husband and I kept our own names when we got married 25 years ago…I wasn’t about to take his if he didn’t take mine, and he was fine with it…but then 13 years later he told me he wanted to hyphenate, which really shocked me! So now we are a hyphenated (mouthful) family, which I’m happy about. My kids can do whatever the hell they want with their own marriages and kids! 🙂
I am delighted to see you are a Jesus feminist too…like me. Curious about the libertarian part, though! That definitely seems like it doesn’t belong to those other two! 🙂
Marie from http://www.marie-everydaymiracle.blogspot.com
https://www.facebook.com/EveryDayMiracle
So you know how not all feminists believe the same thing, or all Christians, or all Democrats, or all Republicans?
Without writing out a whole blog post on it, my libertarian beliefs are very practical, working within our actual society as it is rather than trying to start from scratch. (Dan is more idealistic, and I just smile and nod at his ideas).
My Liberty tag has most of my posts on libertarianism. I’m more likely to blog about feminism or relationships than anything else, but I had a few political posts prior to the Midterm Elections.
http://bellebrita.com/category/beliefs/liberty/
I too kept my last name then gave my son his father’s last name and my daughter mine ( still would have been my last name if she was male …just happened to be that out second child came female).
This is so awesome in so many ways. Thanks for the laugh!
I love this post! I changed my last name to my husband’s, but because I own our home and all the bills were in my unmarried name we still get mass mailings and coupons to the Brown (my maiden name) Family.
…you’re not family, are you? I think Dan is related to all the Ohio Browns (his mom’s maiden name).
When asked about keeping my own last name, I often say, “My husband didn’t change his name, either. He already has two middle names, so adding anything else would have been a bit ridiculous!” Most of my friends take that in stride, but I’m sure it’s garnered a few side-eyes here and there.
As a side note, his second middle is my mother-in-law’s birth name (which she switched to her middle name when she married). That’s what my husband wants to do with my name and our future children. I’m still holding out for a portmanteau, like Flong, or alternating his last and my last if we have more than one child.
Ooh, thank you for reminding me of the beautiful word “portmanteau.” I’d heard of it before, but I’d totally forgotten about it.
We haven’t figured out what we’ll do with the hypothetical kids in our future, but they’re somehow getting both of our names in their last name, period.
I’m a proud second-generation Lucy Stoner, and will keep my birth surname if I ever marry. My ex-“fiancé” actually offered to take my name if I made some ridiculous compromise (I think it was about not keeping a fully kosher kitchen and letting him bring in blatantly unkosher food from his mommy and daddy), and my father said he didn’t want that man taking our name! It’s weird, because his surname is Kats, and I seriously used to wish my name were Katz. Now I feel dirty because I almost considered abandoning my lifelong principles by taking a name that’s not mine. I don’t even like the term “maiden name,” particularly when it’s used for a name that’s never been changed. It’s just a woman’s name, period!
An extremely rigid, ultra-conservative friend of mine, whom I have to bite my tongue so hard when I’m around him so I don’t burn any bridges or cause a fight or uncomfortable situation in mixed company, once said a Lucy Stoner friend of ours must think she’s superior to her husband. How nice he chose to say that when she wasn’t even there. The assumption, of course, was that men are superior to women, and how dare a woman try to feel anything but inferior by keeping her name. I don’t think he heard me when I said I’d keep my name if I marry and that my mother kept her name, since it’s just normal to me. Another guy friend of mine agreed with me and said different people make different choices.
I get your point about the name change, but it doesn’t exactly sound unreasonable or “ridiculous” to let the guy occasionally eat something from his mom and dad’s house – how is your stance of being aghast that he might want to sometimes eat unkosher any different from trying to make someone change their last name?
Controlling is controlling, not compromising. He obviously values his parents love and values as you do (wanting to consume meals they prepared on occasion, in the comfort of his own home). It seems as though your comment is better fit for a religious forum, than a feminist forum. It seems your ex had absolutely no hesitation in having you keep your name.
A kosher kitchen isn’t kosher if treyf food is being brought in, though I wouldn’t have had a problem if he’d chosen to eat by a non-kosher restaurant, or order something like non-kosher meat by any restaurant. I even would’ve cooked meat for him and bought the requisite two additional sets of dishes, even though I’m vegetarian/practically vegan. He’d originally agreed we’d have a kosher kitchen, then suddenly said it would start fights and get the whole family against me if I were that religious. He’s afraid to go against his dysfunctional family, since they think a different opinion or being told they’re not always right is horrible, egregious disrespect. He also backpedaled on how he’d originally accepted the fact that I’ll cover my hair after marriage. Basically, he’s a giant mama’s boy and in a deeply emotionally incestuous family without healthy, normal, adult boundaries. He’s 38 now and has still never lived on his own. His mommy still puts food on his plate and washes his clothes, and he still defends choosing her over me.
His commitment to Yiddishkeit is paper-thin at best, and there always would’ve been tension because I’m much more observant than he is. If I’d married him, that would’ve been an interfaith marriage for all intents and purposes.
Its funny how South American countries are a lot more sexist yet women don’t change their last names. We keep our name and as a matter of fact we use both our surnames, or at least I do, even on social media, boys and girls. Older generations would use the husband’s name only after their own, eg Sarah Long of Fleck thats it. But never change it, it would be disrespectful to both your father and your mother
I love this so much. Thank you for writing this. It’s a much more eloquent response than my terse answer when asked about my surname, to which I always say that my husband didn’t change his surname either.
That was nothing compared to when I asked him not to get me an engagement ring. It’s a good thing that I married him, rather than the men who’ve based their concept of reality on romantic comedies and the 1700’s. It seems the strong opinions people can have about your life are indirectly proportional to the impact they have in it.
I actually started reading this because I thought you were serious about your husband not taking your last name! Great article and so right about how men are about their last names. My husband and I went the completely opposite direction of tradition and he actually took my name. It was completely his choice (he offered at my dad’s funeral when we first started dating because he said it was obvious that my family was very important to me). But the comments he got from friends, relatives, even random people who found out we’re completely sexist, like he was less of a person for taking my name. And if it had been the opposite, no one would have batted an eye!
Hey, good satire reads as true at first, so I’m glad mine is that well-written! 😉
I’m sorry to hear how many people have been unsupportive of your husband’s choice. All individuals should feel free to do with their names as they wish, upon marriage or at another time!
First, I’m an MRA, which probably means excrement in your world. I think a great deal of what you espouse is wrong in the same sense that misandry = misogyny, in the same vein of saying “I hate blacks/whites”. Both are wrong.
However, I follow much older rules and traditions. The old Celtic tradition is whoever’s family has a higher standing is the family name you take. Instead of being sexist (of one direction or another), it’s based purely on raising social standing. Being a Celtic Pagan, I accept this.
My dad was not a nice person. In some ways, he was good. But he said before he died that he’d never attend a handfasting (pagan marriage), being a good Catholic. And he didn’t have to. When I met my wife’s dad, he was warm and kind to me. More than that, he took me into the family, warts and all.
So I decided to offer to take the Conway name. It wasn’t asked of me. It wasn’t used as a cudgel against me, on threat of breaking off engagement. It wasn’t expected of me. I offered, of my own free will. And I sincerely meant it, as it was taking the family name, not just ‘her’ name.
I know ONE couple in which the man took the woman’s name. Of course, this is so exceptional that I like to brag about them whenever the topic comes up. My wife and I both kept our own last names when we married. As it happens, I do most of the house work and cooking and hers is the primary income. When we meet for the first time, her colleagues often call me by her last name, to which I say, “Actually, my last name is Wilson. Neither of us took the others last name. But I do know this couple…”
I never planned to change my name when (if) I got married, and the fact that I eventually got married for the first time in my late 40s sealed my decision. I’d been “me” for so long already, I didn’t want to change. My husband had no issue with it after I asked him to imagine — really think about — what he would feel like if he were to change his last name to mine. The discussion ended there with a hug and a kiss. Where I did get some “pushback” was from some of my friends, which I found very interesting. Even though they’d changed their names decades ago, some seemed to feel uncomfortable with my decision, as though it was an indictment of theirs.
Marrying late in life doesn’t necessarily make it easier. It is especially more complicated if one was married before and changed a name (I know that wasn’t your situation).
I know someone who was married at 20, ended up separated and then widowed, and was common-law with another for 20 years (during which time she did occasionally ponder going back to her birth surname, but never did), separated from him and two years after that was married to another person. When getting married again she still had her first husband’s surname. Half of her kids had her first husband’s surname, and the other half had her ex-common-law partner’s surname.
Choices –
1) Keep her first married surname
2) Go back to her maiden name, which she hasn’t had in some 30 years. (She had pondered doing so while common-law but said it didn’t feel right either)
3) Go back to some other relative’s surname (she had previously also contemplated going with her maternal grandmother’s birth surname or married surname also)
4) Go with some newly-created surname from combining both names (which on her side would she borrow though, mixing her first husband’s and second husband’s surname could have been amusing I suppose 🙂 )
5) Take her husbands name.
6) Go with some new and/or borrowed name that has no familial connection to either herself, any past partner, or her current partner.
Here in the province of Quebec, Canada, it is not legal for spouses to change names. The name you’re given when you’re born will stay with you till you die.
It stops all kinds of sexist attitudes. Increasingly, when a man and a woman have the same last name, they’re assumed to be brother and sister or cousins. Marital status is of a much lower importance. Being a man, if I travel with a woman, she’ll have a different name from mine, of course. It is of no importance to cabin crew, flight crew, etc. if she’s my sister, my mother, my wife, my girlfriend or my lover.
Changes a lot of things. I don’t own a woman. A woman doesn’t own a man.
Not even with a name.
I love hearing from people in other countries! I wouldn’t mind that law trickling down to the States.
I didn’t change my last name when I married and no one has ever said a word about it. My husband and I have never discussed it and it had never been an issue.
I liked the article….it was cute and made its point. Well done.
I envy your experiences, and I look forward to the day when no one cares what a person does with their name upon marriage.
Dear Brita, A nice little article,cute maybe, so please don’t take my comments as anything other than constructive criticism. A nice little article,but dated, it might dove tail nice with one on women wearing pants. Too many times it seems as feminist writers are throwing softballs to their readers, that they purposely stay away from the tough stuff. I don’t know the reason for this,but in the 21st century why fight the battles won in the 20th century ?
As I stated in the beginning a nice little article,but I really think you can do better.I have tried to respond politely so please don’t write me off as a troll. thanks, Rick
You’re not a troll, but you’re dismissing the firsthand experiences of a woman based on.. what? Your vast experience of what it’s like to be a woman who kept her last name upon marriage?
I don’t need you to mansplain feminism to me or belittle my writing. You do realize how incredibly condescending “a nice little article, cute maybe” is, right?
Excuse me while I laugh wildly at your comment. BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay. Done.
I’m mostly commenting because I found it annoying how mostly *men* were saying that it was a non-issue. Yeah….sure it is.
I have actually heard most, if not ALL of these sorts of attitudes from men (in person as well as on the internet) and they piss me off too.
Anyway, I’m currently wrestling with how to go about this balancing act now that I’m getting married in the context of a fairly unenlightened family and community which holds many of these attitudes that you were satirizing. What fun…
THANK YOU!
Seriously, both here and on the HuffPost version, I can’t stop rolling my eyes at all the dudes saying this is a non-issue. Of course it’s a non-issue for them–they haven’t joined the ranks of only 10-20% of their gender and faced the wrath, ridicule, and scorn of their friends, family, and peers. I’m not just making shit up in regards to what people have said to me or have said to other women. Oh, wait, I’m a WOMAN, so anything I say must have three male witnesses and a notarized penis stamp to be true.
Actually, I’ve heard the same attitudes from some women. Which is REALLY unfortunate.
Yes, it’s a complete non-issue from them because THEY never even have to think about whether or not to change their name. I get asked if I’m taking my fiancé’s name- he never gets asked if he’s taking mine.
But clearly they don’t want to listen to women talk about their own lived experience as a woman.
Didn’t you get in your time machine and go back to the 1950s when your marriage certificate served as your name change paperwork? My grandmother told me that this is what happened and she got no choice in the matter. She needed to call Sears to update her information and her new Sears card read Mrs. Grandpa Smith, and she told me that her name was nowhere in there. It really surprised me when she spoke about it after I told her that I wasn’t changing my name and her response was “Great, now I don’t have to update my address book again!”.
My husband gets a lot of flack for not “forcing” me to change my name. He sees it as an issue because he has been at the receiving end of the non-issue dudes who told their wives that it would happen or there would be no wedding!
As a guy, I think a woman can keep her last name if she damn well wants to. Then again, since common-law is no different from marriage in Canada, I don’t even see the point in marriage. Just a big party with people (most of whom you don’t like) and a $10k useless/worthless inflated rock.
My girlfriend and I are very happy, and without a wedding, we’re moving into our first house at the end of this year. Soon we will start a family. Last names are the least of our concern.
If Canada weren’t so cold, I could see myself moving back there. Common-law marriages in the States vary by state, and usually a couple needs to have been together for a pretty long time first.
Congrats on your first house! That’s a huge accomplishment.
My boyfriend and I have joked about this sort of thing. He’s said that there’s enough men in his tribe to carry their torch and he’s not opposed to the idea of taking my last name, or having me add his to mine with an additional hyphen (my name is already hyphenated). I really don’t see it as a big deal either way, but I grew up with friends and family members who kept their maiden names and seen the frustration of friends who had to change all their legal documents with their name change. Whatever works for the couple is what they should do, it’s really no one else’s business at the end of the day.
It sounds like you’ve found a good man! Names are definitely a personal choice, and no one should judge an individual for what s/he decides.
My mum married twice and kept her maiden name, but gave my brother and I our dad’s name. As a kid I hated my surname and dreamt of marrying so I could change it. These days I can’t imagine not being a Pook, but don’t feel any less connected to my mum because we don’t share the same surname. Great piece!
Excellent.
I adore this post (as I’m sure my hyphenated last name may imply).
So great!! Thanks for writing this!!
Readers, new and old: I love that this post has resonated with so many people! I am trying to reply to as many comments as possible, but I will not be able to get to all of you.
Please refer to my Comment Policy if you need to know why your comment has not been published yet. I am moving from Findlay to Atlanta the weekend of February 27-March 1, which will NOT give me much time to approve comments that are automatically screened. http://bellebrita.com/comment-policy/
So far everyone has been very civil, even if I’ve rolled my eyes at some of the mansplaining. I’m SHOCKED, I tell you, that men are dismissing my lived experiences and telling me this fight has already been won. Pro tip: allies don’t mansplain feminism.
Thank you. I needed to read that.
We have had our disagreement turned argument turned fight about my last name.
I grew up in an old school European home, I only knew the option of changing my name. Worse, my parents expect me to and disagree with me that I don’t want to.
But when the wedding plans started I knew I didn’t want to change my name. I didn’t understand why I would need to.
To change my name to his almost makes me feel like I will be mistaken as his sister.
My favourite reason he gave me was that European wives take their husbands last name. I gladly informed him the women in most of Europe are legally bound to keep their original name. He was appalled and didn’t believe the blasphemy. He was even more pissed off when he discovered it has been the law in Greece (for example) since the early 1980’s. His family is still not able to wrap their head around that fact.
I’m not sure how much longer I can stand for my decision though. They’re weighing me down.
STAND YOUR GROUND! Honestly, so many women have commented in other articles like this that they regret giving in. For many of them, it was just the first battle lost in a long line of bullying from their in-laws.
It is YOUR name. If you want to keep, change it, or anything in-between, that is YOUR decision, and no one else’s.
The sister comment is so interesting because I have no intention of changing my name, and one bonus is that I really like having the same surname as my brother! That was never a reason per se, but as we’ve gotten older I’ve often found myself thinking “It’s nice that we have the same surname”.
I like having the same name as my parents and my brothers. Not having the same last name as my husband doesn’t bother me. So why bother changing it?
I use to think pretty much like the author on this subject. Thing is I
don’t think she has thought through the symbolism of name changing upon
marriage when thinking about marriage in a traditional sense.
What is the purpose of marriage of in the traditional sense? Why do
people insist that it’s between a man and a woman? Perhaps because
their idea of marriage is such that the purpose of marriage
is for children. It has basically never (save a mix up at a
hospital… a very modern institution) been a problem for women to know
their maternity with respect to the children they are raising. Whether
because of fraud or carelessness or worse, it has been a problem for men
to know that they are raising their own biological children.
Consequently, the woman taking the man’s name can get seen as a symbolic
gesture on the part of the woman that she is doing everything she can
to ensure that the children are the man’s children that she is married
to. It can also serve as a potential warning to other men who are not
in the marriage. And also that the children take the father’s name is
thus an attempt at tracing the much less clear line of descent of
paternity. It also may constitute a subtle attempt to keep the man
around to help raise the children.
One might argue the value of
such symbolism is not all that great, since it is symbolism. However,
such symbolism can get construed as an attempt to either keep the man
around to help raise children, or an attempt of the woman to reassure
the man that the children are biologically his.
So in the end I
do find her post ridiculous, because I don’t think she would be writing
such an article ridiculing *the entire notion* of the tradition of the
woman taking the man’s name if she had thought it through. She might
still ridicule some of what these men said, but not the entire notion of
the tradition of the woman taking the man’s name.
And to
emphasize things here, her method of simply swapping the sexes around
here may well be as ridiculous as swapping the sexes around when talking
about the physiological effects of pregnancy. Correct establishment of
maternity has been, is, and will continue to be easy for women (save
the problem of bad hospital workers… which again is new and is
probably a comparatively rare case). Correct establishment of paternity
is a problem which has been very difficult.
There are literally millions of traditions that are no longer practiced or followed. Sticking with something merely because of the traditional basis for it, whatever your view of what that basis may be, is no cause to stick with something. Paternity tests are easily accomplished these days, so if there is any traditional basis for name changing to establish paternity, it has been deemed irrelevant in today’s society.
Other items you bring up – attempting to keep men around, warnings to other men, etc. all suggest a serious lack of trust in the relationship. If name changing somehow creates a huge amount of trust that otherwise was lacking, I’d have to say there was something deeply damaged in the relationship to begin with.
“Paternity tests are easily accomplished these days, so if there is any
traditional basis for name changing to establish paternity, it has been
deemed irrelevant in today’s society.”
Financially speaking paternity tests can cost more than abortions. Paternity testing also relies on having certain equipment and experts to do the testing. Thus, it is not quite so clear that paternity testing is easily accomplished these days.
“warnings to other men” doesn’t suggest a serious lack of trust in the relationship between the husband and the wife. It suggests a warning to *other men*, not the wife. Attempting to keep men around also is NOT a lack of trust on the part of the man. Also, the name change here actually suggests the exact opposite of a lack of trust. It suggests trust on the woman’s part, because the name change suggests that the woman trusts him to treat her well. It suggests that the identity of the woman becomes closer to his identity by changing her last name to his. You only change your identity to become closer to someone whom you trust, not to someone you distrust.
Abortions aren’t things you just do, they’re extremely painful. My own mother has had them before. They’re not a walk in the park by any means.
I’m well aware that abortions are by no means a walk in the park. Hence my reply above started “financially speaking…”
‘You only change your identity to become closer to someone whom you trust, not to someone you distrust.’
If the above quote from your innocuous ramble was true men who don’t change their surname’s to their wife’s surname obviously aren’t as close nor trust their wife.
Honestly, I wish society would give up on the institution of marriage altogether, which would kind of solve this problem indirectly. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never cheated on a woman I’ve been in a relationship with and would hope that I never will. I’m all for commitment and monogamy. Pretty much all my relationships have been in the 3-5 year length and I have broken off a couple, and I’ve been dumped a couple times.
But you know, people change so much over the course of their lives and if two people end up changing their hopes, dreams, and desires in a way that they are no longer compatible, why not move on? I think the idea that we are committing ourselves to one person for the rest of our lives and the follow up pressure that once you have committed to that there is no going back, creates serious amounts of damage. People staying in relationships “for the children” (which my parents did and believe me, it did absolutely nothing good “for the children”), or staying in relationships because of fear of their church’s reaction, or staying in abusive relationships because of a commitment, etc. etc. It just all seems insane.
Why should governments, or companies, or any other legal matters look at a married couple differently than two people living together? Why should we have more beneficial tax treatment for married couples? Why, if you haven’t been married by 30 is there something obviously wrong with you? Maybe I’m missing something but that’s just my two cents. “Oh, you’re not married yet?” I’m as tired of hearing that as I’m sure women are of hearing, “Well, you’re going to take his name right?”.
Sorry for the rant, I realize it is off topic, but the conversation just got me thinking about it.
That said, I try to read these perspectives if for no other reason than to remind me these issues are out there (because, yeah, it is hard to remember issues are there when you aren’t experiencing them) and like the way you presented this. I always appreciate different and unique approaches to anything =)
I have two points of view regarding this post. First, it’s none of my business what anyone wishes to call themselves, name themselves, before, during, or after their marriages. Half of me honestly doesn’t care.
Secondly, government benefits aside, why do people marry these days? The question reminds me of a Bill Maher joke asking the same thing, the punchline being marriage is for women or only desired by women. My second half relates to this joke and reasons, “The least she could do is carry my name, Lord knows I’ll be carrying everything else,”(metaphorically speaking with a touch of hyperbole.)
For the record, I’m married six years. Don’t feel sorry for my wife, she’s a super feminist who kicks my ass every day. I guess my point is, I’d be happy with her kicking my ass forever without the ceremony of marriage. Marriage is, after all, a TRADITION.
(Commence collective eye rolling.)
This is brilliant! My husband and I both kept our last names… And you sure did hit the nail on the head with what my husband has to put up with… 😉
This is brilliant! Thank you so much for contributing to the list of reasons we ALL need feminism!
The reason why women take the man’s name is because back in the day women were men’s property, as well as their children. Woman had to take their husbands name to let everyone know that is his property and the man essentially owns the woman. This is an old time tradition that needs to be abolished, unless the women like being owned by their husbands.
Because I totally took my husbands last name for different reasons…it had nothing to do with wanting to be owned by him at all. Why abolish something? Why not just let people choose?
When I got married 6 years ago – I didn’t change my last name. It was a 30 second discussion between (then) fiance and I – I didn’t see the point and neither did he – I held more degrees (3.5 – so close to being done)..and was published – he wasn’t, but didn’t feel that we would be less “married” if we had different last names. I didn’t count on the SS that would ensure that I am still dealing with today – I was told by my sister-in-law (who married into the family) that I wasn’t a real member of the family because I wasn’t a “Smith” like the rest of them! I can’t believe some of the comments that have been made to us – I am plotting my divorce, my husband needs to man up and make me change it, a family concave happened when we were living 4 provinces away to put pressure on my FIL to force me to change my last name….the crazy list goes on. I feel that it is a personal choice that doesn’t need to be justified – it is a habit that I fell into my first 3-4 years of marriage – justifying why I didn’t change it. I now just look all interested and earnest and as “Why?” like I truly care. Psychologically – it trips up most people because it requires THEM to justify their reasoning and not just criticize someone else’s choices!
It seriously disturbs me how many people think it’s their business what an individual decides to do. How does my name affect anyone except for me? I’m sorry that after 6 years, you’re still dealing with this bullshit.
I now look at it as a social experiment in the sense of “why the f* do you care so much about my last name?”. There is so much pearl-clutching around the last names of our hypothetical children. When I want the horns to come out – my husband and I just sweetly tell people that the kids will OBVIOUSLY get my last name because husband has a brother (with the super proud wife) and the looks of terror on their face is kind of amusing. I have lost friends over this decision and I realize that the real people I want in my life are the ones that do not care what my last name is – they may have an opinion, but they support his and I’s decision.
What I never understood was this whole – but it’s still a man’s name that you have taken – so why not change it to another man’s name? I worked very hard to make my last name mean something to me. I do not look at it as my father’s name, but rather MY name. My best friend (who hyphenated when she got married at 29) said that if she felt like a “Smith” in another 29 years, then she might completely change, until then, she had been a Jones all of her life and wasn’t willing to let that go.
So what are the kids last names going to be?
Love this post 🙂 When I marry my fiancé, I don’t plan on taking his name, or forcing my name upon him. However I think if we do end up having kids (probably can’t happen but we’ll see) I think out of the convenience of all of us having the same name, I’ll probably choose to take my husband’s last name then. That’s just my feelings on how I want my name in the future 🙂 I have total respect for women who choose not to change their name, and women who choose to change it.
Thanks for the post… I actually read it today on one of my favorite sites, Rolereboot.org.
I’m a guy that’s been married now for 20 years. It didn’t even occur to me when my wife and I got married that taking my wife’s last name was an option. However, as time has gone on, I really wish I had considered it.
There are several reasons why taking my wife’s last name is an option that I find compelling, including:
1- I grew up in a totally dysfunctional family, (and now my parents are deceased and I don’t have any other close family), while my wife’s family really treats me as part of the family.
2- My wife is Latina, and although she took my name when we married, she always uses her last name when in Central America. It’s very common there that women retain their own last names.
3- We plan to retire in Central America some day, and no one there can pronounce or spell my last name, which is a bit frustrating.
4- I love my wife, and by taking her last name, I’m affirming my love, devotion, and commitment to her, and
5- My wife is more assertive (in a positive way) than I am, she is really the head of our household and family. I recognize this and our children do too, so it just makes since that I have her name.
So I have told my wife that I want to change my last name and take her last name. She’s not too happy about that, and says I should have done that 20 years ago if that’s what I wanted. She doesn’t understand why it is any big deal to me, because to her it isn’t… it’s just a name after all.
I do want to take her name now and wish that she embraced it. I’m sure eventually I will, but in the meantime I now use my first name and her last name when subscribing to magazines, etc. Amazing how much junk mail I get addressed to me but with her last name.
By the way, in the state where I live, the law allows either spouse to take the name of the other spouse regardless of gender.
After been in relationship with a guy for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don’t believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr, Aduwawa and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: ([email protected]) or you can call him on +2348141195952, you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR.
One of my cousins took his wife’s surname when they married. My husband considered using mine, but we decided that we liked the “unusual-ness” of his French surname. I know plenty of households with two surnames. And, honestly, there are families with multiple surnames – his, hers, her children by her previous partner with their father’s surname, his children by a previous partner with their mother’s surname.
Why would it matter to *anyone* what someone else chooses to call themselves unless you’re directly involved (like married to them)? I mean, that would be as stupid as caring who someone else chooses to sleep with (as long as they’re not sleeping with you, obviously).
So? I kept my maiden name when I got married in my mid-30’s and nobody criticized me for it. I would like a double last name, but I can’t afford to change it. ps: I googled “galaxy Brita Long” and all it had was this article. Do you have a website/link?
I’m on my phone, so hopefully this works.
http://www.wpo.net/registry.html#L
YES! It WERKed! Thank you. Wow, KooL. Why name a STAR after somebody when you can give them a whole GALAXY! 😀 !
I know, right? It’s not technically named after me. I’ve found at least two other women named “Brita Long” online. Still, I LOVE sharing my name with a galaxy!
I carry my mother’s maiden name on my birth certificate.
She married when I was 2 years old and I have carried my step father’s name
ever since. Where do I get documents that say I may legally use his name?
That’s a good question. I think he would have to legally adopt you in order to change your name. Or you’d have to go through the name change process with your state.
My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but we’ve definitely thought of different ways to incorporate both family names with our kids. Our future children will either take both our last names or a portmanteau. I also hope to pass down my mom’s maiden name, which is Norwegian.
Great news Belle Brita. I’ll need to start with NY State’s Dept of Vital Statistics or Family Court or a lawyer.
I just read this aloud to my husband and daughter (yes, even though she is only four months old). We were in a larger discussion about marriage equality and societal norms, and then I pulled up your blog to start reading some of the pure gold that you post. 🙂
hi
I absolutely love this article. I’m not married, but as someone who would like to be married in the future, it gives me life when I see this. I have accomplished so many things under MY name. (my degrees, the two houses I bought by myself, etc). And I really enjoy my name. I’ve had it for 32 years. I totally agree – Unless me NOT changing my last name directly effects you, then don’t question it.
Thank you! You should be proud of all those accomplishments. I know not everyone sees their name as a symbol of what they’ve done with that name, and that’s cool, but I want to have the same name that’s on my HS/college degrees, my passport, my visas!
Loved this post! My friends husband changed his last name to hers, and people have been so stupid about it. He wrote a really great article about it – http://thewireless.co.nz/themes/change/taking-my-wife-s-last-name. I’m not engaged or married, but when was in a long term relationship and we talked about it, I definitely didn’t want to change my last name
Thanks so much for sharing that with me!
Loved it! Especially – “Everyone knows that a boy’s last name is just temporary. “
Thank you!
Bahaha – I enjoyed this cleverly written piece. When my husband and I were getting married we joked that we would combine our last names, to make a new last name, instead of me just automatically taking his last name. My family got the joke, our friends still refer to us as our combined last name, his family thought we were completely ridiculous.
I am very proud of my friend who put it to her partner that he had no connection to his last name {he didn’t have his father’s last name, his mother had given him the last name of her second husband – who she had since divorced}. Her last name was important to her and her family. Her sister had married and taken her partner’s name and she would like her husband to take her family name to keep it going. He did and I think that’s a massive step forward for humanity in general.
My husband and I do love our fake combined name, Flong. We sent out Valentine’s cards earlier this year from the Flong Family. We have a glass souvenir “boot” from Epcot’s Germany engraved with Flong.
Your friend and her husband sound great! It’s not always easy to go against tradition, even when you have a million reasons to do so and zero to follow tradition.
Great post! On the opposite side, I hate when people – not you – assume that a woman who takes her husband’s last name has “given up” herself or “lost” herself. I am a free-thinking woman who chose to use her husband’s last name.
I absolutely love this post and the satirical take on it. I couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous it all sounds especially when put into that perspective! When my boyfriend and I get married I will probably take his last name, but simply because I want to. My boyfriend doesn’t care either way and I’m so glad. honestly i’m on the fence though, because i absolutely love my last name!
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! It is ridiculous, right?! I know women who needed a lot of time to decide on what to do with their name upon marriage. For me, it was a no-brainer since I’ve never wanted to change it. 🙂