I’ve received a lot of well-meaning, but extremely misguided relationship advice over the years. At first, I thought it was just me. If you only know me through my blog, then you might not realize that I married my first boyfriend. I was perpetually single until I met him, just a few months after my 24th birthday. So clearly something was wrong with me since I couldn’t land a man, and thus I needed all this bad dating advice… right?
Nope. The more I venture out into the blogosphere, the more horrified I am by all the incredibly shitty and harmful advice not just about dating, but also about relationships, sex, and even marriage. I’m pretty sure if I had followed any of the advice thrown at me (and now rampant throughout the blogosphere), I’d either be in a convent by now or stuck in a miserable marriage.
With any luck, you are not peddling this bad relationship advice. With even more luck, you have not been on the receiving end of it.
I’ve compiled a list of bad advice I’ve received personally, bad advice I’ve found online, and a few anecdotes of bad advice received by friends who shall remain nameless. There’s so much bad advice out there, in fact, that I’m splitting this into a mini series of posts, each on a different theme.
Worst Dating Advice
Pretend to like football // Don’t talk so much // Your intelligence is intimidating to guys
I already wrote an entire article on this line of advice a few years ago, so I won’t reinvent the wheel. But can we please stop telling women to be someone they’re not, just to snag a man? Guess what. I’ve stayed ME during all my interactions with potential suitors, and I found one to marry. I wasn’t the right person for other men, and that’s okay. It’s more important that I stayed true to myself, and I waited until I found a man who could love me for ME.
You deserve a perfect man who will spoil you rotten and treat you like a princess.
Having standards is absolutely a good thing. Being picky can be a good thing. But while most people deserve common courtesy and respect, women are not automatically entitled to an independently-wealthy man who is tall, dark, and handsome and who checks off every single one of your itemized demands.
Dan is not fluent in French, he’s not from the South, and he thinks Greek life has something to do with the struggling economy of Greece. I still went on a first date with him, and then a second, and then many more.
I didn’t win him due to my mere existence as a woman. I had something to offer. He was attracted to my independence, my intelligence, and my nerdy cute looks. When we started dating, I put forth an effort that matched his own. I didn’t just passively wait for him to do all the work. There is more to finding a good man that being just a woman.
Your parents and brothers must approve of a guy before you even have a first date.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally support the rights of parents to set their own house rules regarding dating for their underage kids. No dating until 16? Fine. Only group dates, with pre-approved activities? No problem.
But why is this advice always so gendered? I’m pretty sure teenage boys are not more discerning of their dates than teenage girls. I’m also pretty sure that my brothers are not a better judge of character than I am. While I didn’t date in high school, if I had, my brothers’ opinions would have been completely irrelevant.
Finally, while it’s fairly normal for parents to want to meet the date of their teenager, male or female, I’ve occasionally found this sort of mandate for adult women. So… she’s old enough to vote, to go to college, to drink alcohol, to support herself financially, but not to pick her own date?
Ladies, if you are a grown-ass woman, but literally not competent enough to judge on your own if a man is good enough for a FIRST date, then you should not be dating. Figure out your life and your dating priorities before jumping back into the dating scene.
You have to stop looking to find someone.
When is this advice appropriate? I’m not sure if ever. I received it when I was single but interested in guys who thought of me as “just a friend.” (Totally their prerogative, but they missed out, JUST SAYING).
I have many talents, but turning off my feelings on demand is not one of them. How ridiculous would it be if someone told me today, “Dan will love you more if you just stop caring about him so much”? While I was far from “in love” with any of my past crushes, I couldn’t just eliminate my feelings for them in the hope that the right guy would magically ask me out.
While I did meet and fall in love with Dan when I was completely uninterested in a relationship, I was still looking for men to date casually. I was still making an effort. I was just doing so with the intention of having fun and meeting cool people. The universe laughed at me, and I met my husband.
There are many variations on this particular nugget of bad dating advice, one of which Katie tackles with her typical humorous, blunt honesty.
Stay tuned for when I share dating advice that doesn’t suck, plus some of the worst advice I’ve heard on relationships, sex, and marriage.
What shitty dating advice have YOU heard? What’s the worst dating advice you ever received?
Great post! I find the last one to resonate with me especially. I’m not really looking but I’m not really interested, either, if that makes sense… but I don’t like to actively look for a date because it stresses me out. Otherwise I find everything else to be spot on!
Since you are both not looking and not interested, according to that advice, you’re going to find a husband any day now!
The only reason my brother and I ever wanted to meet each other’s SO over the years was basically so we could tease each other.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me 😉
I’ve heard/seen all of that. The “you’ll find love when you aren’t looking” one never made sense to me. If I’m not looking, chances are I’m not going to notice if I’m being flirted with, and if I don’t put myself out there, just how in the heck is this magical man suppose to find me?
I’m married now so it’s a moot point, but still.
I think the worst advice I’ve seen is to date someone you don’t find physically attractive. Uh, no. That is not how this works. If I didn’t look at someone and think, “Yeah, I’d hit that,” why in the world would I EVER go on a date with them? Why waste their time and mine in hopes that I might warm up to them? No. Just NO.
Also, if you’re into XYZ, I mean really really into XYZ, the answer is not to date people who are NOT into XYZ and hope you can get them into it. If you need XYZ, date people who also need XYZ otherwise you’re just going to look and feel like an ass later on when you’re resentful that you aren’t getting your XYZ fix, or he/she is resentful because you ARE.
I feel like the physically attractive advice is one given to women more than men. Women are expected to always look good, whereas men get opportunities to compensate for less-than-stellar looks. Also, the “date someone you’re not attracted to” is the same sort of bullshit spouted by the Nice Guys who whine about being “friendzoned.” Attraction doesn’t have to happen on first sight, but at some point, if it’s not there, it’s not there. Period.
My husband and I bring out the nerdy best in each other. 🙂 Star Trek is our greatest overlapping nerdy interest, but he’s the one who brought me into it. I watched TNG as a kid, but never picked it up again. We’ve gone through TNG, DS9, and now Voyager together. I’m also super-into Harry Potter, which he supports and understands, even if he doesn’t share my obsession.
Loved this.
I was never really told any of this, possibly because I basically avoided ever dating by falling in love with my guy at a scandalously young age–I’d say that the dating advice I remember most (and didn’t follow) was “Stay away from boys until you’re done with college. Especially stay away from boys at Bible study.” from my Grandpa–which was advice he gave me before I ever started college, and turned out to be really funny since I met a boy at Bible study my first week in college and got engaged and married before finishing my degree.
Why am I not surprised you found your husband in Bible study 😉
Ha ha! Just wait until you meet the right guy and you get the “wedding advice” or decide to have children and get the “pregnancy/parenthood advice”. AAAUGH! Do people really think that stuff is helpful.
Oh, I’m married already. I deflect questions about children by pointing out my BIL and his wife have been married longer than we have and don’t have kids yet. I shut down unsolicited wedding advice by explaining I wanted to get married in the same church as my parents (lots of people had ideas about where I should get married). No one could exactly complain about my sentimental decision. 🙂
So much YES! It’s such a waste of time to pretend to like something just to snag the guy (and boy did I learn that one the hard way), and ultimately it will come back to bite you when the dude realises that the entire beginning of your relationship was built on lies. Even if they’re only little white lies and it was only to bring you closer together, it doesn’t make it any more endearing. Great post! xx
I cringe every time I see this trope play out on TV or in a movie. It always ends badly! Don’t do it!
The only one that I see a justification for is the last one. I don’t think it means STOP looking for someone, but some women get so caught up in looking for someone, that they forget that they are a woman who has a job, an apartment and interests. I think it means that you should do things that interest you and a man will come that fits your life instead of you fitting him into yours. IMO. Great posts!
Thank you for linking up with Creative Style Linkup! Have a blessed weekend!
I remember one husband saying when asked that his favorite quality about me was my “smartness.” (Of course using a word like smartness how smart could I be right?) But it got me thinking about all the “dumb jocks” I used to have crushes on throughout high school and college. And honestly looking bad, I’m pretty sure if I wound up with them I would have been pretty miserable. So basically to your first point, if you don’t express your intelligence you won’t wind up with someone who appreciates you for it, which may have you living a different life than the one you’d actually one.
Hahaha this is all terrible advice! I hate when people say to do anything other than be yourself. I’m looking forward to hearing your advice that doesn’t suck. Thanks for joining us for Hump Day Happenings.
So much in agreement with the have to stop looking thing.
I was always told you have to stop looking because God will bring that person to you when it’s time. But, if you’re not looking, you’re not going to notice.
Also, while I totally agree that God will lead you together at the right time, God never has said in anything else ‘Sit around and do nothing, and I’ll do it for you’. More often than not, God answers things through us DOING something. Jobs aren’t *usually* dropped in your lap, you can’t buy a home if you’re not looking and purchasing one.
I don’t necessarily think you have to date a bunch of people to look, but you do need to keep your eyes open, be willing to put yourself out there. Waiting around doesn’t make anything happen.
Brita, nice post!
I think the one that bothers me the most is that girls believe they should be treated like a princess, the second point.
While men and woman are different, I think there should be a kind of equality in marriage: yes, a husband can spoil his wife for an evening, but another evening the wife should spoil the wife 🙂 Yes, in some ways the wife can take care of the husband, but in other ways the husband should take care of the wife.
The scriptures talk about being “equally yoked” and I think in marriage we should do just that. In marriage we help each other, rather than one person being the princess and the husband being the lowly servant.
Oh gosh, I remember some of the bad advice I was given. I remember someone telling me I needed to dress more sexy in order to make them want a second date. Terrible, terrible, terrible! Luckily, I didn’t take their advice.